Reflections of a Pseudoextrovert

Chronology of Veer Sawarkar's Life

2011-09-04T11:58:00.000+05:30

Vinayak Damodar Sawarkar

28 May 1883 - Born in Bhagur, a tiny village in Dist. Nasik, Maharashtra
1892 - Lost his mother Radhabai
1898 - Took an oath before the family deity to conduct armed revolt against British Rule
09 Sep 1898 - Lost his father Damodarpant

01 Jan 1900 - Founded Mitra Mela, a secret revolutionary society
01 Mar 1901 - Married Yamuna (Mai)

19 Dec 1901 - Passed Matriculation examination

24 Jan 1902 - Joined Fergusson College, Pune

May 1904 - Founded Abhinav Bharat - A revolutionary organisation

Nov 1905 - Organised the first public bonfire of foreign clothes in Pune

Dec 1905 - Passed B.A. examination

June 1906 - Left for London
10 May 1907 - Celebrated Golden Jubilee of Indian War of Independence 1857 in London

June 1907 - Wrote the book “Joseph Mazzini” which was later published by Babarao Savarkar
1908 - Wrote 'Indian War of Independence 1857'. It was secretly published in Holland

May 1909 - Passed Bar-at-Law examination, but granting of permission to practice was denied
01 July 1909 - Madanlal Dhingra shot dead Curzon Wyllie in London

24 Oct 1909 - Vijayadashmi celebrated under the Chairmanship of Gandhi at India House, London

13 Mar 1910 - Arrested on arrival in London from Paris

08 Jul 1910 - Epic escape through the port hole of SS Morea while being taken to India
24 Dec 1910 - Awarded Transportation for Life

31 Jan 1911 - Awarded Transportation for Life for the second time, the only person in the history of the British Empire to have received it twice

04 Jul 1911 - Entered the Cellular Jail, Andamans

April 1919 - Yesuvahini, the wife of his elder brother passed away

21 May 1921 - Both brothers brought back to the Indian mainland
1921-1923 - Lodged at Alipore and Ratnagiri Jails

06 Jan 1924 - Released from Yerawada Prison and interned in Ratnagiri on condition that he would not participate in politics
07 Jan 1925 - Daughter Prabhat was born

10 Jan 1925 - A new weekly “Shraddhanand” launched in memory of Swami Shraddhanandji of Arya Samaj

Mar 1925 - Dr. Hedgewar, who was to found the RSS later, met Savarkar

01 Mar 1927 - Gandhi called on Savarkar at Ratnagiri

17 Mar 1928 - Son Vishwas was born

16 Nov 1930 - First interdining organized as a part of social reform campaign

Feb 1931 - Instrumental in establishment of Patitpavan Mandir open to all Hindus

25 Feb 1931 - Presided over Bombay Presidency Untouchability Eradication Conference

26 Apr 1931 - Chairman of the Somvanshi Mahar Parishad in the premises of Patitpavan Mandir

17 Sep 1931 - Arranged programmes such as keertan by a person belonging to the bhangi caste, interdining of 75 ladies as a part of social reform campaign
22 Sep 1931 - Prince of Nepal, Hem Bahadur Samsher Singh called on Savarkar

10 May 1937 - Unconditional release from internment at Ratnagiri

10 Dec 1937 - Elected as President of Akhil Bharat Hindu Mahasabha at its 19th Session at Karnavati (Ahmedabad) and continued to be re-elected President for the next seven years

15 Apr 1938 - Elected as President of Marathi Sahitya Sammelan

01 Feb 1939 - Started unarmed resistance against the Nizam of Bhaganagar (Hyderabad)

22 Jun 1941 - Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose called on Savarkar

25 Dec 1941 - Bhagalpur struggle

May 1943 - Public felicitations on the occasion of 61st birth anniversary

14 Aug 1943 - University of Nagpur conferred Honorary D.Litt. on Savarkar

05 Nov 1943 - Elected president of Marathi Natya Sammelan at Sangli

16 Mar 1945 - Elder brother Babarao passed away

19 Apr 1945 - Presided over All India Princely States Hindu Sabha Conference at Baroda (Gujarat)

08 May 1945 - Daughter Prabhat married at Pune

Apr 1946 - Bombay Government lifted ban on Savarkar’s literature

15 Aug 1947 - Hoisted both Bhagwa and Tricolour Flags on Savarkar Sadanto celebrate India's independence

05 Feb 1948 - Arrested under the Preventive Detention Act after Gandhi's murder

10 Feb 1949 - Acquitted in Gandhi Murder Trial

19 Oct 1949 - Youngest brother Dr. Narayanrao Savarkar passed away

Dec 1949 - Inaugurated Calcutta session of the Akhil Bharat Hindu Mahasabha

04 Apr 1950 - Was arrested and detained in Belgaum jail on the eve of arrival of Pakistani Prime Minister Liaquat Ali in Delhi

May 1952 - Public function held at Pune to announce the dissolution of Abhinav Bharat, the revolutionary society having achieved its aim of freeing India

Feb 1955 - Presided over Silver Jubilee celebrations of Patitpavan Mandir at Ratnagiri

23 Jul 1955 - Was the Chief Speaker at Lokmanya Tilak Centenary Celebrations in Pune

10 Nov 1957 - Main speaker at the Centenary Celebrations of the Indian War of Independence 1857 held in New Delhi

28 May 1958 - Accorded a civic reception by Greater Bombay Municipal Corporation on the occasion of his Diamond Jubilee

08 Oct 1959 - University of Pune conferred honorary D. Litt. at his residence

24 Dec 1960 - Mrityunjay Divas celebration - a day set down for the release of Savarkar after completing the sentences of two Transportation for Life

15 Apr 1962 - Sri Prakash, Governor of Bombay called upon Savarkar at his residence to pay his respects

29 May 1963 - Hospitalized for a fracture in the leg

08 Nov 1963 - Savarkar’s wife Yamuna passed away

Sep 1965 - Taken seriously ill

01 Feb 1966 - Takes a decision to fast unto death

26 Feb 1966 - 10.30 a.m., at the age of 83, Savarkar left his mortal coil

27 Feb 1966 - Cremation at the electric crematorium, the final salute given by 2500 uniformed swayamsevaks of the RSS and millions of admirers across the country

Early Impressions of the British of Veer Sawarkar

2011-09-04T11:53:00.002+05:30

Letter from Sir Richmond to R Ritchie dated 14th June 1906

L/P&S/7/317/2432 - Letter from Sir Richmond to R Ritchie dated 14th June 1906

V D Savarkar is a brahmin youth aged about 22. He was educated at the Fergusson College, Poona where he graduated. While in the college he attended a mass meeting of students under the presidency of N C Kelkar, (editor of Maratta) who addressed the meeting, advising students to support the "Swadeshi" movement after which the meeting was thrown open for discussion. It was at this meeting that Savarkar first came under notice as a fiery and unbridled speaker. It is reported that at this meeting Savarkar urged his countrymen to dispose everything that is English, and to abstain from purchasing foreign goods. He suggested that all students should burn their clothes made of English & Foreign cloth on Dasara day at Lakdipool.

For this breach of college discipline Savarkar was fined Rs 10. The fine was subscribed by the other students and handed over to Savarkar.

Since leaving college he has gone to Nasik, where he is taking a active part in the "Swadeshi" movement. At a meeting held at Nasik regarding the Bengal Government's student circular, Savarkar informed the audience that he was of the opinion that the movement was distinctly in the interests of civilisation and was not directed against the Government, and that they should not cease to participate in it and that no harm could befall those interesting themselves in the movement. At another meeting held at Nasik, Savarkar is reported to have made a rabid speech. But the details of this speech have not been furnished. The police have been requested by the District Magistrate to keep an eye on him.

Savarkar is apparently looked upon as Sine Qua Non (an essential or condition) by students, and recently he has been invited by them to establish in Poona a society for the political emancipation of India. Savarkar responded to the invitation and convened a meeting for the purpose at which he and others spoke. Savarkar wound up his address by dallying on the subject of youth and vigour, scoffed at the experience of old age, which he compared to faded flowers not fit for garlanding the goddess of nation, and thus led up to Shivaji and Ramdas and latter's advice as given in a stanza of which the first 3 lines may be translated as follows, "Collect many men, make their thoughts one, and fall together.”

The fourth line of the stanza was omitted by Savarkar but its very omission produced the desired effect. It runs in the "Mlenchhas." Savarkar excuses himself and said the assembly would understand what he intended to say but could not say it openly, as he was aware of the presence of detectives, a fact of which he was glad as if they helped in the work about to be taken up so much the better for the country.

Savarkar's quotation was taken up by repeated cries of "Bande Mataram," "Shri Shivaji Maharaj Ki Jai," "Shri Ramdas Ki Jai," etc. Savarkar continued that they had lost everything but that they should not shed tears, it behooved them to shed blood to regain what they had lost. Tears, he said, were woman's lot, work for men. He ended up by saying what they had lost was their religion and this is what they had to establish.

Savarkar is reported to be developing into a popular agitator and is proceeding to England to lay before the people there the grievances of his fellow countrymen. His expenses are to be defrayed out of the Shivaji scholarship started by S K Varma (Actually, Barrister Sardarsingh Rana (born 12 April 1870, in Katharia in Saurashtra) had announced three traveling fellowships of Rs. 2000 each. These fellowships were named after Maharana Pratap, Chhatrapati Shivaji and Akbar. Savarkar received the Shivaji fellowship on the recommendation of Lokmanya Tilak and Kaal editor Shivrampant Paranjpe) now residing in London.

The exact date of his departure is not known (on 09 June 1909, Savarkar embarked on S.S. Persia and reached London on 24 June 1906) but he is being entertained by those who sympathise with his cause as if he were on the point of leaving the country.
--------------------------------------
Remarks by W L Warner.
All we can do is to make his acquaintance and take notes, but not shadow him in any way. 3/6/06.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr Ritchie

Mr Savarkar called on me today, by appointment, about obtaining an order for the House of Commons to hear the debate on the Indian Budget on the 20th July - a small man with an intelligent face and a nervous manner. He is staying with S K Varma at the India House and has entered Grays Inn to study for the Bar. Sir W Lee Warner saw him in my room and we agree in thinking that there is no objection to his being given the order he asks for.

W H C Wyllie. 18/7/06.

Abhinav Bharat, Sawarkar's vision and its gradual denigration

2011-06-27T14:33:00.000+05:30

Vinayak Damodar Sawarkar, or Veer Sawarkar, formed the "Abhinav Bharat" in 1905 while at Pune's Fergusson College. It drew its name and inspiration from Mazzini's "Young Italy" and also also inﬂuenced by Thomas Frost’s Secret Societies of the European Revolution (1776-1876), a book dealing mostly with the Russian nihilists. Sawarkar’s "Abhinav Bharat" believed in revolutionary violence and was, indeed, responsible for the assassination of several British ofﬁcers. It was disbanded in 1952.
The "new" Abhinav Bharat was formed by a man named Sameer Kulkarni (or, probably by Colonel Prasad Purohit). The details of this "new" Abhinav Bharat's involvement in terrorist activities, specifically in the Malegaon Bomb Blast Case can be read in detail in Christophe Jaffrelot's excellent article.
I only intend to lay before you, readers, the high ideals that the original Abhinav Bharat had. It's oath is a testimony to this. Now many people will take pride in the way of the "revolutonaries" and others will say that their path was destructive and reckless. We, too feel that Mahatma Gandhi's Non-Cooperation Movement which believed in Ahimsa (or non-violence) was responsible for getting Indians freedom from the Raj, but many would disagree. Nonetheless, revolutionaries like Sawarkar, Bhagat Singh and Bose will always command respect from Indians.
The oath of Abhinav Bharat-

BANDE MATARAM

In the name of God,
In the name of Bharat Mata,
In the name of all the Martyrs that have shed their blood for Bharat Mata,
By the Love, innate in all men and women, that I bear to the land of my birth,
wherein the sacred ashes of my forefathers, and which is the cradle of my
children,
By the tears of Hindi Mothers for their children whom the Foreigner has enslaved, imprisoned, tortured, and killed,

I, …
Convinced that without Absolute Political Independence or Swarajya my country can never rise to the exalted position among the nations of the earth which is Her due,
And Convinced also that that Swarajya can never be attained except by the waging of a bloody and relentless war against the Foreigner,
Solemnly and sincerely Swear that I shall from this moment do everything in
my power to fight for Independence and place the Lotus Crown of Swaraj
on the head of my Mother;
And with this object, I join the Abhinav Bharat, the revolutionary Society of all
Hindusthan, and swear that I shall ever be true and faithful to this my
solemn Oath, and that I shall obey the orders of this body;
If I betray the whole or any part of this solemn Oath, or if I betray this body or
any other body working with a similar object,

May I be doomed to the fate of a perjurer!

Inside the mind of a revolutionary

2011-06-27T13:52:00.002+05:30

Bhagat Singh's Statement Before the Lahore High Court Bench

[Through this brilliant statement Bhagat Singh demolished the basis of the Sessions Court judgement and emphasised the importance of motive. The motive of action, he argued, should be the main consideration while judging the offence of an accused.]

MY LORDS,
We are neither lawyers nor masters of English language, nor holders of degrees. Therefore, please do not expect any oratorial speech from us. We therefore pray that instead of going into the language mistakes of our statement Your Lordships will try to understand the real sense of it.
Leaving other points to our lawyers, I will confine myself to one point only. The point is very important in this case. The point is as to what were our intentions and to what extent we are guilty. This is a very complicated question and no one will be able to express before you that height to mental elevation which inspired us to think and act in a particular manner. We want that this should be kept in mind while assessing our intentions our offence. According to the famous jurist Solomon, one should not be punished for his criminal offence if his aim is not against law.
We had submitted a written statement in the Sessions Court. That statement explains our aim and, as such, explains our intentions also. But the leaned judge dismissed it with one stroke of pen, saying that "generally the operation of law is not affected by how or why one committed the offence. In this country the aim of the offence is very rarely mentioned in legal commentaries."
My Lords, our contention is that under the circumstances the learned judge ought to have judged us either by the result of our action or on the basis of the psychological part of our statement. But he did not take any of these factors into consideration.
The point to be considered is that the two bombs we threw in the Assembly did not harm anybody physically or economically. As such the punishment awarded to us is not only very harsh but revengeful also. Moreover, the motive knowing his psychology. And no one can do justice to anybody without taking his motive into consideration. If we ignore the motive, the biggest general of the words will appear like ordinary murderers; revenue officers will look like thieves and cheats. Even judges will be accused of murder. This way the entire social system and the civilisation will be reduced to murders, thefts and cheating. If we ignore the motive, the government will have no right to expect sacrifice from its people and its officials. Ignore the motive and every religious preacher will be dubbed as a preacher of falsehoods, and every prophet will be charged of misguiding crores of simple and ignorant people.
If we set aside the motive, then Jesus Christ will appear to be a man responsible for creating disturbances, breaking peace and preaching revolt, and will be considered to be a "dangerous personality" in the language of the law. But we worship him. He commands great respect in our hearts and his image creates vibrations of spiritualism amongst us. Why? Because the inspiration behind his actions was that of a high ideal. The rulers of that age could not recognise that high idealism. They only saw his outward actions. Nineteen centuries have passed since then. Have we not progressed during this period? Shall we repeat that mistake again? It that be so, then we shall have to admit that all the sacrifices of the mankind and all the efforts of the great martyrs were useless and it would appear as if we are still at the same place where we stood twenty centuries back.
From the legal point of view also, the question of motive is of special importance. Take the example of General Dyer. He resorted to firing and killed hundreds of innocent and unarmed people. But the military court did not order him to be shot. It gave him lakhs of rupees as award. Take another example. Shri Kharag Bahadur Singh, a young Gurkha, Killed a Marwari in Calcutta. If the motive be set aside, then Kharag Bahadur Singh ought to have been hanged. But he was awarded a mild sentence of a few years only. He was even released much before the expiry of his sentence. Was there any loophole in the law that he escaped capital punishment? Or, was the charge of murder not proved against him? Like us, he also accepted the full responsibility of his action, but he escaped death. He is free today. I ask Your Lordship, why was he not awarded capital punishment? His action was well calculated and well planned. From the motive end, his action was more serious and fatal than ours. He was awarded a mild punishment because his intentions were good. He was awarded a mild punishment because his intentions were good. He saved the society from a dirty leach who had sucked the life-blood of so many pretty young girls. Kharag Singh was given a mild punishment just to uphold the formalities of the law.
This principle (that the law does not take motive into consideration - ed.) is quite absurd. This is against the basic principles of the law which declares that "the law is for man and not man for the law". As such, why the same norms are not being applied to us also? It is quite clear that while convicting Kharag Singh his motive was kept in mind, otherwise a murderer can never escape the hangman's noose. Are we being deprived of the ordinary advantage of the law because our offence is against the government, or because our action has a political importance?
My Lords, under these circumstances, please permit us to assert that a government which seeks shelter behind such mean methods has no right to exist. If it is exists, it is for the time being only, and that too with the blood of thousands of people on its head. If the law does not see the motive there can be no justice, nor can there be stable peace.
Mixing of arsenic (poison) in the flour will not be considered to be a crime, provided its purpose is to kill rats. But if the purpose is to kill a man, it becomes a crime of murder. Therefore, such laws which do not stand the test of reason and which are against the principle of justice should be abolished. Because of such unjust laws, many great intellectuals had to adopt the path of revolt.
The facts regarding our case are very simple. We threw two bombs in the legislative Assembly on April 8, 1929. As a result of the explosion, a few persons received minor scratches. There was pandemonium in the chamber, hundreds of visitors and members of the Assembly ran out. Only my friend B.K. Dutt and I remained seated in the visitors gallery and offered ourselves for arrest. We were tried for attempt to murder, and convicted for life. As mentioned above, as a result of the bomb explosion, only four or five persons were slightly injured and one bench got damaged. We offered ourselves for arrest without any resistance. The Sessions Judge admitted that we could have very easily escaped, had we had any intention like that. We accepted our offence and gave a statement explaining our position. We are not afraid of punishment. But we do not want that we should be wrongly understood. The judge remover a few paragraphs from our statement. This we consider to be harmful for our real position.
A proper study of the full text of our statement will make it clear that, according to us, our country is passing through a delicate phase. We saw the coming catastrophe and thought it proper to give a timely warning with a loud voice, and we gave the warning in the manner we thought proper. We may be wrong. Our line of thinking and that of the learned judge may be different, but that does not bean that we be deprived of the permission to express our ideas, and wrong things be propagated in our name.
In our statement we explained in detail what we mean by "Long Live Revolution" and "Down With Imperialism". That formed the crux of our ideas. That portion was removed from our statement. Generally a wrong meaning is attributed to the word revolution. That is not our understanding. Bombs and pistols do not make revolution. That is not our understanding. Bombs and pistols do not make revolution. The sword of revolution is sharpened on the whetting-stone of ideas. This is what we wanted to emphasise. By revolution we mean the end of the miseries of capitalist wars. It was not proper to pronounce judgement without understanding our aims and objects and the process of achieving them. To associate wrong ideas with our names is out and out injustice.
It was very necessary to give the timely warning that the unrest of the people is increasing and that the malady may take a serious turn, if not treated in time and properly. If our warning is not heeded, no human power will be able to stop it. We took this step to give proper direction to the storm. We are serious students of history. We believe that, had the ruling powers acted correctly at the proper time, there would have been no bloody revolutions in France and Russia. Several big power of the world tried to check the storm of ideas and were sunk in the atmosphere of bloodshed. The ruling people cannot change the flow of the current. We wanted to give the first warning. Had we aimed at killing some important personalities, we would have failed in the attainment of our aim.
My Lords, this was the aim and the spirit behind our action, and the result of the action corroborates our statement. There is one more point which needs elucidation, and that is regarding the strength of the bombs. Had we had no idea of the strength of the bombs, there would have been no question of our throwing them in the presence of our respected national leader like Pandit Motilal Nehru, Shri Kelkar, Shri Jayaker and Shri Jinnah. How could we have risked the lives of our leaders? After all we are not mad and, had we been so, we would have certainly been sent to the lunatic asylum, instead of being put in jail. We had full knowledge about the strength of the bombs and that is why we acted with so much confidence. It was very easy to have thrown the bombs on the occupied benches, but it was difficult to have thrown them on unoccupied seats. Had we not of saner mind or had we been mentally unbalanced, the bombs would have fallen on occupied benches and not in empty places. Therefore I would say that we should be rewarded for the courage we showed in carefully selecting the empty places. Under these conditions, My Lords, we think we have not been understood, My Lords, we think we have not been understood properly. We have not come before you to get our sentences reduced. We have come here to clarify our position. We want that we should not be given any unjust treatment, nor should any unjust opinion be pronounced about us. The question of punishment is of secondary importance before us.

Indianised English

2011-06-21T16:34:00.000+05:30

Hello People,
Received a mail from my good mate, Pranav. It was an article on www.cnngo.com written by Daniel DMello. Thought of sharing it with you all. Here it goes,

"10 classic Indianisms: 'Doing the needful' and more

How to fix grammatically insane phrases found in common Indian English

We are a unique species, aren’t we? Not humans. Indians, I mean. No other race speaks or spells like we do.

Take greetings for example.

A friendly clerk asking me for my name is apt to start a conversation with, “What is your good name?” As if I hold that sort of information close to my heart and only divulge my evil pseudonym. Bizarre.

I call these Indianisms.

Which got me thinking about a compilation, a greatest hits of the most hilarious Indianisms out there. And here they are. The most common ones, and my favorites among them.

1. 'Passing out'

When you complete your studies at an educational institution, you graduate from that institution.

You do not "pass out" from that institution.

To "pass out" refers to losing consciousness, like after you get too drunk, though I’m not sure how we managed to connect graduating and intoxication.

Oh wait … of course, poor grades throughout the year could lead to a sudden elation on hearing you’ve passed all of your exams, which could lead to you actually "passing out," but this is rare at best.

2. 'Kindly revert'

One common mistake we make is using the word revert to mean reply or respond.

Revert means "to return to a former state."

I can’t help thinking of a sarcastic answer every time this comes up.

“Please revert at the earliest.”

3. 'Years back'

“Sure, I’ll set my biological clock to regress evolutionarily to my original primitive hydrocarbon state at 1 p.m. today."

If it happened in the past, it happened years ago, not "years back."

Given how common this phrase is, I’m guessing the first person who switched "ago" for "back" probably did it years back. See what I mean?

And speaking of "back," asking someone to use the backside entrance sounds so wrong.

“So when did you buy this car?”

“Oh, years back.”

“Cool, can you open the backside? I’d like to get a load in.”

4. 'Doing the needful'

Try to avoid using the phrase "do the needful." It went out of style decades ago, about the time the British left.

Using it today indicates you are a dinosaur, a dinosaur with bad grammar.

You may use the phrase humorously, to poke fun at such archaic speech, or other dinosaurs.

“Will you do the needful?”

“Of course, and I’ll send you a telegram to let you know it's done too.”

5. 'Discuss about'

“What shall we discuss about today?”

“Let’s discuss about politics. We need a fault-ridden topic to mirror our bad grammar.”

You don't "discuss about" something; you just discuss things.

The word "discuss" means to "talk about". There is no reason to insert the word "about" after "discuss."

That would be like saying "talk about about." Which "brings about" me to my next peeve.

6. 'Order for'

"Hey, let’s order for a pizza."

"Sure, and why not raid a library while we’re about it.”

When you order something, you "order" it, you do not "order for" it.

Who knows when or why we began placing random prepositions after verbs?

7. 'Do one thing'

Perhaps somewhere in our history someone lost a little faith in the "doing" word and added "for" to make sure their order would reach them. They must have been pretty hungry

When someone approaches you with a query, and your reply begins with the phrase "do one thing," you're doing it wrong.

"Do one thing" is a phrase that does not make sense.

It is an Indianism. It is only understood in India. It is not proper English. It is irritating.

There are better ways to begin a reply. And worst of all, any person who starts a sentence with "do one thing" invariably ends up giving you at least five things to do.

“My computer keeps getting hung.”

“Do one thing. Clear your history. Delete your cookies. Defrag your hardrive. Run a virus check. Restart your computer... .”

8. 'Out of station'

“Sorry I can’t talk right now, I’m out of station.”

“What a coincidence, Vijay, I’m in a station right now.”

Another blast from the past, this one, and also, extremely outdated.

What's wrong with "out of town" or "not in Mumbai" or my favorite "I'm not here"?

9. The big sleep

"I’m going to bed now, sleep is coming."

"OK, say hi to it for me."

While a fan of anthropomorphism, I do have my limits. "Sleep is coming" is taking things a bit too far.

Your life isn’t a poem. You don’t have to give body cycles their own personalities.

10. 'Prepone'

“Let’s prepone the meeting from 11 a.m. to 10 a.m.”

Because the opposite of postpone just has to be prepone, right?

"Prepone" is probably the most famous Indianism of all time; one that I’m proud of, and that I actually support as a new entry to all English dictionaries.

Because it makes sense. Because it fills a gap. Because we need it. We’re Indians, damn it. Students of chaos theory.

We don’t have the time to say silly things like "could you please bring the meeting forward."

Prepone it is.

There are many more pure grammatical "gems" in what we call Indian English. Perhaps in time I’ll list some more. And perhaps in the near future, we’ll get better at English.

Till then, kindly adjust.

A lesser-known Satyagrahi

2011-06-21T14:12:00.000+05:30

Satyagraha, Gandhi-style, is in vogue! Every Tom, Dick and Hazare wants to emulate the Mahatma. Is it wow or is it not? That is for the civil society to decide.

A few days ago, a news channel showed a piece on two Satyagrahis, Anna Hazare, the diminutive social activist from Ralegan-Siddhi in Maharashtra, who after giving sleepless nights to politicians of the state is out to give the politicos in Delhi (New) a piece of his mind and a lesser known activist called Irom Sharmila.

For the uninformed, Irom Chanu Sharmila (also known as the Iron Lady of Manipur) has been fasting for not ten days or ten weeks or even ten months but for the past ten years! Believe it or faint! She is asking the Government to repeal the draconian Armed Forces Special Protection Act (AFSPA) from her state.

Now you may ask what the f*** is this AFSPA?

The Act was passed on September 11, 1958 by the Parliament of India which conferred special powers to the armed forces in “disturbed areas” like the state of J&K and the north-eastern states. The state administration can call for Central help in cases of emergency situations like militancy. The Centre can send in the Armed Forces whose presence is legitimized by the AFSPA. With the AFSPA in place, the Armed Forces can take over from the local law-enforcement agencies like the police force.

Under the Act, an officer of the Armed Forces can, in short, kill any person he sees as a potential threat, arrest any person without a warrant and search any person’s home or other premises without a search warrant. It also gives the officers of the Armed Forces immunity for their actions. They cannot be dragged to a court of law for the actions committed while serving in a place where the AFSPA is in force. As common sense suggests, it creates autocratic tyrants out of officers of the Armed Forces, since they are always on the edge in emergency situations. Violence has, in fact, increased since the Act was enforced. There have been protests against the Act wherein civilians have blamed the Armed Forces for wrongfully killing, abducting perfectly harmless civilians in the name of curbing militancy and rebellious tendencies.

On 2 November 2000, ten civilians were (allegedly) shot and killed by the Assam Rifles in Malom, a small town in the Imphal valley in Manipur. Out of the dead was a 62 year old woman and 18 year old Sinam Chandramani, a 1988 National Child Bravery Award winner; hardly candidates with militant tendencies. This came to be known as the “Malom Massacre.” This is when Sharmila, the daughter of a Grade 4 veterinary worker began to fast in protest of the killings. Her satyagraha is against the law which she wants to be repealed. In 2004, the Government had set up the Jeevan Reddy Commission, which recommended that the Act be repealed. But the Government failed to act upon the recommendations of the Committee’s report arguing that it would be nigh impossible for the Armed Forces to function in “disturbed areas” without the Act.

There have been gross violations of human rights by the Armed Forces in areas where the AFSPA is in force, a fact to which many government officials agree.

Irom Chanu Sharmila has become an icon of public resistance for people who know about her fight. She may be a heroine in her land, but in this part of the country, where we still struggle to remember the names of all the north eastern states (and their capitals), hardly anybody knows about her or the law she is fighting against. An interesting fact is that only three days into her huger strike, she was arrested by the police and charged with “attempt to commit suicide.” One wonders why the Government did not arrest Anna Hazare on the same pretext.

Despite the odds, Irom Sharmila continues her struggle. Time the Government paid heed to her demands and we as Indians understood what the lady stands for.

Jai Hind!

Sightings at Jogger's Park

2011-06-17T21:25:00.000+05:30

Finally, I have given up to my wife's demands. I have started exercising. Nothing rigorous, just a mile of brisk walking at the Jogger's Park in my city. Actually it was my cousin who gave me the idea and like a drowning man catches hold of a straw, I caught it. He comes to my shop at 7:30 in the evening and then we ride to Jogger's Park and complete 2 rounds of 800 meters each.
Now this Jogger's Park is frequented by many interesting characters and I got to observe quite a few regulars today, more so because I was alone. An elderly couple who walks less and talks more. The expression on the man is so pitiful that you wish that you could go up to him, place a consoling hand on his shoulder and speak a word or two. As far as the lady is concerned, she does more talking than the man. I feel that the man probably got the idea of coming to Jogger's Park as a means to escape his wife for a good hour if not more. But then the lady found out that her husband was missing out on her insights on life and all things under the sun. So she decided to accompany him as well!
An obese young guy of around twenty. He is so very much obsessed with his mobile phone (as are so many other members of his generation), that either he is chatting away with someone or simply texting away to glory, not bothering to see where he is walking.
A healthily-overweight young girl. Good looking but with more flab in all the wrong places. The look on her face suggests that she is walking because her parents have forced her and not because of her own will. She will huff and puff and then walk some.
A few sari-clad "upper-middle class" (if their exists such a sub-class!) ladies with sport shoes. Lots of gossip accompany their couple of rounds. A mini kitty party sans the food and drinks.
A group of young girls who wear such tight fitting apparel that it is hard to believe that they could actually move their bodies in them, leave alone walk briskly!
These and a lot of other interesting people. Who said exercising is boring!!

Do We Need A Teacher?

2011-06-06T13:38:00.002+05:30

The human civilization has lived through the Stone Age, The Bronze Age, The Copper Age, The Iron Age, The Industrial Age and now it is in the Information Age. This age is characterized by the availability of any and all information at the click of the button. Today it is said that the one who has more information is mightier than the one who wields more weapons. Many thinkers believe that as the process of getting information becomes easier, the teacher will become redundant in the educational system. And today’s educational system does rely heavily on passing information to students rather than teaching anything to them. The teachers have become mere instructors. But is that the only role of teachers? To pass information to students? We may argue that the primary and secondary school teachers’ job is more important than the teachers in institutes of higher learning. This is because the schoolteachers handle students who are very young and easily influenced. Their mind is like wet cement; whatever falls on it, makes an impression. And thus the teachers have to ply their outlook, perspective, and mindset and also prepare them for a sound academic career. When these students enter institutes of higher learning like colleges and universities, they are in a very volatile state and age. A craving for adventure, defiance of convention and rebelliousness typify their age. This may lead to a state of normlessness, which may portend danger for the future. This is where a teacher becomes important. The English word “Teacher” does not capture the essence of the Sanskrit word “Guru,” which is more relevant in this context. The actual meaning of the word Guru is “the one who takes the disciple (student) from darkness to light.” The job of a teacher in an institute of higher learning also is critical since he is dealing with a very capricious age group- the youth. Today’s youth, or for that matter the youth of any generation, is hot-blooded, fickle and erratic but at the same time has the potential to change the world. If their energy and exuberance is directed in a constructive way, then they possess the power and capability to move mountains. It should be understood that the sole purpose of education is not only to impart information and knowledge but, as is summarized beautifully in a Sanskrit shloka, it “sharpens the intellect, …….., develops the faculty of discrimination, strengthens our moral nature, enables us to stand the severest temptations of life and thus protects us from falling into errors.”

Some people are born more naturally to leadership and those who want to be leaders can develop effective leadership qualities. A teacher can thus gauge in a student the inherent qualities, which make great leaders and make him aware of them and also help in developing them. The teacher can inspire the student to practice ethical leadership, which has become more important than ever. Philosophy is the platform on which great leadership is built. If the philosophy is not right than all that follows will be built on sand. A teacher can help the student to formulate a healthy, positive and constructive philosophy on which will be based the ethics and principles of the student’s life and leadership.

Thus, a teacher is an indispensable part of a student’s life, regardless of the age of the pupil. The teacher has assimilated the information that he obtained during his disciple years into knowledge. This knowledge when combined with experience becomes wisdom. It is this wisdom that the teacher conveys to his students. It is said that we must learn from other peoples mistakes and experiences, because life is too short to do it all yourself! Thus the teacher is like a guide for the student through the way, which the student has chosen in life. With the help and guidance of the teacher, the student can begin a successful journey through life.

VALUE EDUCATION: NEED OF THE HOUR

2011-06-06T13:37:00.003+05:30

We are living in an increasingly globalising environment. It is believed that Asia will be the focus of development in the new millennium and India will be one of the lead players in this process. From all accounts it appears to be the truth. As the cliché goes, India is not a poor country but a rich country with lots of poor people. There is unconstrained and limitless luxury and grandeur on the one hand and sheer poverty on the other. This great country has the potential to reach even greater heights and become a land of splendid opportunities if only the human resource potential is meticulously developed and exploited. Also a regimented work culture needs to be developed.

Although the new Information Age has made the world a very small place, it has its own perils. Anything and everything is available at the click of a button. Getting information had never been so easy. Today, the society in general and the youth in particular are passing through a very critical phase where they have been ruthlessly exposed to the ever expanding demon of electronic media, feeding on and serving ghastly and horrific happenings to a normless youth. This signifies grave danger for the future. This is where values become important in education and personality development. If education can help overcome these handicaps, we can certainly look forward to the day when our country will again be called “the golden sparrow.”

Education should condition the mind to enable individuals to function effectively and to have a fulfilling life. Let us analyze the existing state of affairs. We have a situation where the age-old joint family system is deteriorating. Children spend less and less time with parents who are busy earning to keep the domestic wheel moving. These children are assailed with quick-fix solutions for every problem through an aggressive media culture. Thus we need value education to promote ethical choices to the educated persons who are expected to be thinking individuals.

Again values become important for the educated person in the context of emerging forces of globalization converting everything to the naked fury of the market forces. Just look at the way organized crime, financial frauds and terrorist violence is being perpetrated by some of the best minds gifted with the best of educational and technical accomplishments.

Similarly, the value of equality and equity must influence the thought and action of all educated people. For too long, inequalities have divided Indian society and contributed to untold human suffering. It is unfortunate that the Supreme Court has to lay down directives of gender equality when it should come naturally to a people with such a rich heritage in which the female is given the pride of place.

The major problem in India is corruption and reluctance to work hard. In a recently concluded survey by the World Bank, the Corruption Index of the worlds’ countries was calculated and India stood a miserable 91 in the list. Unless the educated work force of the nation is not inculcated with values like national pride, integration, loyalty and respect for the Constitution, we may find it tough to scale the ladder.

The need for value education is central to all forms of education; from the primary to higher education but there are differences of opinion among educational administrators on how to organize it in the curriculum. The Central Policy on Education, 1984, explicitly states the need for value education and it even directed the Central Board for Secondary Education to frame a syllabus for value education which would then become part of textbooks of all school boards in the country. Even after more than twenty years, we have failed to see the efforts of the Policy bear any fruit. This is a sad condition for a multicultural, multireligious and multiethnic society like ours. We may interpret secularism to suit our point of view but one thing is for sure; there is no alternative to multiculturism if India is to survive as a nation. This would mean that tolerance, as a value, must be imbibed in the personality of every individual whether he or she belongs to a majority or minority group. India has a prosperous legacy of tolerance and she has absorbed various cultures of people who either came as plunderers, invaders or as guests.

Education seems to have got totally divorced from ethical standards and even laws are unable to deter people from evil conduct. There is a crying need for value education in today’s people and this has to start from the very beginning. Children, whose minds are like wet cement, must be impressed upon with moral values like personal hygiene, general cleanliness, community living, gender equality, sexual morality and social values like national integration, respect for elders, familial and societal responsibilities, respect for an individual’s rights, the law and the Constitution.

Value education in the agenda of higher education should essentially extend to moral and ethical practices in individual and collective behavior. If corruption, deceit and violence prevail in public life today, the educational system in the country will have to own a share of responsibility for the malaise.

If civil society has to grow and exercise a redeeming influence in social and national development, the educational system of the country has to take the lead and mobilize social action particularly among the youth through value education.

Faith - Religion (and everything in between)

2011-06-01T14:28:00.000+05:30

After having spent 23 years of my life in a city, it was a very difficult phase in my life to move to a relatively small town for my job. Nevertheless, I settled in the new place. After getting acquainted with the place I started to search out for good spots to dine. I did find a nice hotel but what excited me more was the ubiquitous Paan Stall outside the restaurant.

The Paanwalla served the most delicious paans I had ever tasted. He soon understood my likings and designed a paan especially for me. I started frequenting him more often. He was a chatterbox of sorts and loved talking and after six years of married life, I have become a very good listener. So we gelled quite nicely; a college lecturer and Zakirbhai, the paanwalla.

There was a quaint quality about Zakirbhai. He wouldn’t just ramble on any topic in the world. He chatted quite a bit but he was an intelligent conversationalist. I would spend at least half an hour for every paan I used to enjoy.

Every time I visited his shop I couldn’t stop myself from wondering at an object placed in his shop. It was the photograph of Lord Ganesha and Lord Sri Krishna. Whenever I visited his shop, there would be a fresh garland of flowers around both deities and mellifluously fragrant incense. On exactly the opposite side, I could see the picture of the Holy Ka’aba in Mecca adorned with fresh flowers.

Finally after five years I found the courage to ask him one day. “Zakirbhai, why do you have Hindu deities in your shop?” He smiled and said, “Sir, it is a long story. Actually, they were part of a shop I used to run in the city before I came to this place. I ran a paan shop which was owned by a Hindu. These photos were in his shop. Now I being a devout Muslim, brought my Ka’aba to the shop. I used to pray to the Holy Ka’aba daily and used to decorate it with fresh flowers everyday.

“The shop owner used to come to the shop daily and he used to garland the photos and perform his puja. After a couple of months, he stopped coming due to health reasons, so I continued his tradition of garlanding the photos. The shop owner died and his sons decided to sell off his shop. I decided to move into this place, but something made me bring these photos with me.”

Then Zakirbhai narrated to me one of the most fantastic incidents of his life. He told me that one night, Lord Ganesha appeared in his dreams. The lord asked him to put a garland around His neck. Dumbfounded, he tried to do what he was told to. But as soon as he reached out to put a garland around the Lord’s neck, the Lord increased His size and Zakirbhai could not reach it. The lord again asked him to put the garland around His neck. But again, when Zakirbhai tried to reach Him, He increased His size. This occurred for quite a few times and Zakirbhai was frustrated.

When the Lord invited him again to put the garland, Zakirbhai said, “How am I supposed to do that? Every time I try, you increase Your size and I can’t reach you!” The Lord smiled and said, “Why don’t you put your foot on my lap and reach out for my neck.” Zakirbhai said that how could he put his foot on the Lord’s lap. The Lord said that it was alright. After some time, Zakirbhai put his right foot on the Lord’s lap and tried to reach for his neck. This time the Lord did not increase His size and the garland fell on His neck. Zakirbhai immediately jumped down from the Lord’s lap. And then the most extraordinary thing happened. The Lord got up and started dancing.

Zakirbhai confessed to me that it was the most amazingly beautiful dance he had ever seen in his life. He was sweating from excitement when he suddenly awoke from his sleep. He realised that he was drenched in his sweat. He gulped down a glass of water and remain awoke for the rest of the night, not able to forget what he had just seen.

“That vision changed my life, Sir. I decided to bring these photos with me. Never has a day passed when I have not put fresh garlands around them and lighted the diya (ceremonial lamp). I am a sincere Muslim by heart and I have always strove to uphold the laws and teachings of Islam. For example, we believe that a true Muslim should never lend money on interest. My Uncle was a moneylender. When he was about to die, he left everything in his will to me, since his only son had died. I told him that I cannot possibly take your money since you have garnered this money against the laws of Islam. I asked him to donate all the money in charity and after he died I performed all the ceremonies from my own money.”

“Sir, I am not an educated man but I believe that whether you are a Muslim or a Hindu, we are searching for the same Supreme Soul and we are all part and parcel of Him. Religion is just a way to glorify and reach Him. He is our final destination. On the Day of Judgment, he will not choose you because you are a Hindu or a Muslim or of any particular religion. He will choose you on the basis of how much good you have done to others.”

I was dumbstruck. I was humbled. Zakirbhai, a man who had studied only four classes was speaking, with utmost sincerity and honesty, the biggest truths of Life. He gave me my third paan of the evening. I paid him. And as I walked away, I realised that sitting in that paan shop was not a man but a saint. Where most “religious” Hindus would die without ever seeing their God, in any of his myriad forms, even in their dreams, this man, a Muslim no less, had seen Him. Zakirbhai ceased to be a follower of any religion in my eyes. He was the most beautiful and pure of His creations. If only we would understand.

Medical Tourism

2011-06-01T14:26:00.000+05:30

Medical tourism is a name coined by travel agencies and the media to describe the ever-increasing practice of traveling to foreign countries to obtain healthcare. It is also called by different names like medical travel, health tourism or global healthcare. Although the concept is not new, it has gained immense popularity in recent times and more and more patients around the world are looking at lucrative options of getting medical treatments at cheaper rates coupled with a short vacation to exotic destinations.

Medical tourism is offered by a collaboration of the health care industry and the tourism industry. It mixes leisure and fun coupled with a wide range of healthcare services. Common reasons for a surge in this sector are high costs of healthcare and long waits for non-emergency surgeries in developed nations. People who are taking the most benefits of medical tourism are citizens of the First World including the US, Europe,

Canada

, Middle East and Japan. To appreciate the enormous attractiveness of medical tourism, one has to understand the high costs involved in providing medical facilities in the developed nations. Healthcare costs in countries like India, Thailand, Korea can be less than one-tenth of what they are in the

. For example, a heart-valve replacement that would cost the patient $200,000 in the US would be less than $10,000 in

India

and that too including round trip fare and a short vacation thrown in.

Today’s hot destinations for medical tourism are countries like India, Thailand, S. Korea, S. Africa, Singapore, Costa Rica, Hong Kong, Hungary, Argentina, Brunei, Cuba, Colombia, Jordan, Lithuania, Malaysia, Saudi Arabia, Tunisia and New Zealand. Since quality standards in the healthcare sector are pretty high, many healthcare providers are trying to get themselves accredited by reputed agencies like Joint Commission International (JCI) and Trent International Accreditation Scheme to attract US and

nationals.

India

is fast earning a glorious reputation in the field of medical tourism and the industry is slated to become a Rs. 9,500-crore industry by 2015. This is primarily due to the participation of Indian corporate hospitals that provide state-of-the-art facilities and technical know-how for a variety of areas like cardiology and cardiothoracic surgery, joint replacement, orthopedic surgery, gastroenterology, ophthalmology, transplants and urology. Indian medical doctors are regarded as amongst the best in the world and the standards set and maintained by corporate-managed hospitals, the quality of its auxiliary staff and superiority of pre- and post-operative care is what attracts many foreign nationals. A major attraction is also the fact that

India

itself is an exciting tourist attraction. Thus, a cheap, yet quality healthcare experience along with a short vacation for rest and recuperation in Indian destinations is an enticing mix for foreigners.

Another aspect of medical tourism which is offered in

India

is what is known as Wellness Tourism. This involves mind rejuvenation packages which include vacations in Ayurvedic Centres or spas. Tourists are assured of rejuvenation by yoga and ayurvedic treatments including special massages. This has seen a boom in specialised ayurvedic spas like Kerala Ayurvedic Therapy Centres and Panchakarma Therapy Centres. These centres target the mind along with the body to give a holistic wellness experience.

The procedure for obtaining the facilities of medical tourism include sending of a query to the Service Provider, identification of healthcare provider by service provider, discussions with specialist doctors, finalization of treatment, options of pre- and post-hospitalization stays, arrival, checking-in, meeting with doctors, treatment, short vacation and travel back to the native country.

Many medical, legal and ethical issues remain to be solved. But with the amount of money involved, it would only be natural for the government authorities to intervene and sort matters out.

Confronting Diabetes in Children

2011-06-01T14:24:00.002+05:30

The World Health Organization (WHO) and the International Diabetes Federation (IDF) estimate that around 250 million people in the world are currently suffering from Type 1 diabetes. It is also alarming to note that diabetes in children has achieved a frightening rate of 200 children being affected per day. Warning bells were sounded when children were also found to be affected by Type 2 diabetes, commonly referred to as ‘adult onset diabetes.’ But that distinction has now been erased with more children getting affected by Type 2 rather that Type 1 diabetes.

Diabetes is a disorder wherein the body either produces insufficient quantities of insulin or fails to respond to it. Insulin is a hormone produced by the pancreas which plays a vital role in the metabolism of glucose, the fuel of our body. Due to its inadequate production or the body’s reduced sensitivity to it, glucose cannot be properly metabolised and thus its concentration in the blood increases. This excess glucose is excreted in the urine leading to a condition called ‘glycosuria’ (sweet urine). Diabetes can be classified as Type 1 if the pancreas fails to produce insulin. This happens because the insulin-producing cells in the pancreas (called beta cells) are destroyed by the immune system in an autoimmune response. Type 2 diabetes occurs due to either insufficient production of insulin by the pancreas or due to reduced insulin sensitivity.

All around the world, countries have reported an alarming rate at which children are being affected by diabetes. The primary symptoms of diabetes in children are thirst, weight loss, tiredness and frequent urination. Symptoms that are typically seen more often in children are abdominal pains, headaches and behavioral problems.

According to IDF figures, Type 1 diabetes is growing by 3% in children and adolescents and 6% per year in pre-school children. Type 2 diabetes is growing at variable but equally alarming rates throughout the world. The mortality rate for diabetic children is significantly higher than that in adult diabetics. Children are more prone to developing a complication called diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA) which itself leads to a majority of diabetes-related deaths in children.

Diabetes cannot be treated but it can be managed. A child suffering from diabetes can still enjoy a healthy and normal life. But this requires careful management of the disease. Managing diabetes in children includes keeping blood sugar levels normal, improving insulin sensitivity and preventing complications associated with diabetes including, kidney disorders, eye diseases and nerve damage. Most children require insulin therapy. Carefully calculated dosages of insulin need to be administered everyday. Also essential is blood glucose testing. This could be done by using hand-held glucose monitors. An overhaul in lifestyle is also required. The daily diet has to be planned to avoid problems like obesity and increase or decrease in blood sugar levels. Exercising needs to be made a part of the daily routine.

The IDF and WHO have initiated a massive program to educate people about this rising epidemic. They have put special emphasis on refining current diagnostic procedures so that diabetes can be diagnosed at a much earlier stage. It is also the aim of these institutions to make insulin available to all diabetic children in all parts of the world. These programs are believed to make a significant change in the lives of the millions of diabetic children around the world.

A day in the life of a neo-businesman

2011-05-02T13:47:00.000+05:30

I desperately wanted to write something, but am still not sure what. So let's see what comes out.
I have settled in my business and am looking at opportunities to expand (and probably diversify!).
I, like Zahra, belong to the "Gen-M" (Maggi Generation), but her blog and the article, based on which she had written her blog, spoiled my day! I knew, Instant Noodles were bad, but didn't realise they were THIS bad! Trans fats and sodium and what not. Tomorrow they will come out with news that they add zinc, magnesium, arsenic, potassium, dried lizard skin, tiger bone powder and iguana shit!! Yuck and f***ing yuck.
Finally, Osama bin Laden was killed by the American CIA. But what price did the US pay to kill him. The fact that he was housed in a "mansion" close to Islamabad, raises serious doubts over the integrity of the Pakistan Government in the "fight against terror." BTW, how can one fight against oneself?! India has been shouting herself hoarse for years at all forums about Pakistan's double standards. But alas. "Pakistan is an important ally of the US against the war against terror," they say! Well, its a huge issue, so there's no point talking about it more. Everybody who has half a brain knows why the US treats Pakistan the way it does. Anyway.
I remember a joke that went round when the megalomaniac General Zia-ul-Haq ruled Pakistan. The joke went something like this. When Rajiv Gandhi met the General, in a rare light-hearted moment, Rajiv Gandhi said that he had a hobby of collecting jokes which people cracked on him. He asked the General what his hobby was. The General replied, without batting an eyelid, "I collect people who crack jokes on me!"
But I believe that we have taken the Pak-sponsored terrorism pretty lightly all these years. Why do we take our liberty, freedom and democracy so lightly? Do we think that our country's democratic and constitutional foundations are so strong that we are capable of absorbing any kinds of shocks? Why can't we take a leaf out of Israel's policy against terrorism? Israel wouldn't exist if it would follow India's ways to "deal" with terror even for a day. A small Jewish nation nestled in an Arab world. But which country in its neighborhood, which is many times greater than Israel itself (in terms of area, population and resources) has the balls to show aggression against Israel? Israel has fought so many wars. At a time, it was fighting against the might of the combined Arab world, but it showed how resilient and determined its people were when it came to their liberty and freedom. Why can't we be like Israel? Just a little bit.
Food for thought?

In this age of feminism........

2011-02-14T15:47:00.000+05:30

Remembered something that I had heard when I was young. It was said by the great Poet-Saint Tulsidas, the creator of Ramcharitmanas, the story of Lord Rama, the incarnation of Lord Vishnu.

He says (and I quote) "Dhol, Gawaar, Shudra, Pashu aur Naari, Yeh sab taadan ke adhikaari."

Roughly translated, it means, "A drum, an illiterate, a person born in a lower caste and a lady are deserving of beating. They should be and could be thrashed (at will!).

Surprising that such words should come from a person of the stature of Tulsidas. From this it is quite obvious that Tulsidas was not a feminist. The Sita of Tulsidas' Ramayana is so unlike the one in Valmiki's original Sanskrit epic. Remember that Saint Valmiki personally knew Sita as she had lived in Saint Valmiki's Aashram when she was banished by Lord Rama. She was also pregnant at that time with the twins Luv and Kusha. Valmiki's Sita was a strong-willed lady. She was more earthly than ethereal. (Valmiki recounts that when Lord Rama did not approve of her coming with him in exile, she used expletives and pretty strong language with Lord Rama to convey that she was coming with him, no matter what!)

Tulsidas polished the entire epic into a flowery description of Lord Rama's story. Lord Rama became god and Sita, the goddess.

Why Tulsidas had to say the above words is still a mystery.

I remember a joke on the same shloka by Tulsidas by the famous Hindi Hasya Kavi, Surendra Sharma. In his highly popular Chaar Laina (Four Lines), he says,

"Humne patni se kaha, ki Tulsidas ji ne kaha hai, 'Dhol, Gawaar, Shudra, Pashu aur Naari, Yeh sab taadan ke adhikaari;' iska arth samajhti ho yaan samjhaayen?" (I said to my wife that Saint Tulsidas has said that 'A drum, an illiterate, a person born in a lower caste and a lady are deserving of beating. They should be and could be thrashed (at will!).' Do you understand the meaning of this or should I explain it to you?")

"Patni boli, iske arth to bilkul hi saaf hai, isme ek jagah main hoon, chaar jagah aap hai!!"
(My wife replied, 'The meaning of this is so clear. In this saying, out of the five things mentioned, I am one of them and you are the other four!')

Cheers to females! Cheers to feminism!!

LOVE, HEARTBREAK AND A WALNUT BROWNIE

2011-02-08T20:50:00.002+05:30

“When there’s guilt in your heart, there’s no place for any other emotion!” said Risa. We were sitting at a quite corner table in Café Centràle and in front of me sat Risa. We had been friends from the time of our graduation years. Our ‘gang’ had dissolved after our post graduations since every one had moved on in life. Many of us had married, had kids, had jobs and stuff. Risa had become a senior manager in a firm. She had always been the demure girl in the gang with a quite and reserved demeanor amongst the other brash girls of the gang and with a pleasingly attractive persona. We had all foretold her future many times over. Risa’s gonna marry some rich, well-to-do-guy with a home closer to hers so that she can visit her family as and when she wants. She’s gonna raise a few children and be a good wife and mother. It was that simple. Risa was a simple girl with few expectations from life. But as the saying goes, Man Proposes……., her future was not as straightforward as we, or for that matter she, would have liked. She had her share of problems when she joined her firm. A senior took fancy for her. After a few torturous weeks of missed calls and text messages, Risa decided to complain to the management who promptly fired the poor guy. Another colleague fell for her and sent a proposal through a friend of Risa’s at the firm. “If he has the guts, let him ask me directly,” was Risa’s response. The young man has lost the impetus but not the hope. Risa no longer frequents the cafeteria lest she bumps into him. She has her coffee brought in her cabin. All was well for a few days. And then came Roy. Roy was a trainee at the firm; handsome, charming and three years Risa’s junior. Sparks flew and they fell in love.

“Those were the best six months of my life,” exclaimed Risa with a twinkle in her eyes. “He was in my department but we hardly talked at the workplace. It was all SMSes! We had this sixth-sense-thing between us. I’d be thinking about somethin’ and he’d come up with it. I’d think of messaging him and he would call me up. I’d want to call him up to meet and I’d get his message telling me the time and place. We’d talk on the phone for hours together. I still remember once he called me up at three in the morning and we talked till seven! Oh, Vic those days made me feel so,….., so adolescent!”

“So, where’s he now?” I asked.

“Roy got a job in the

about five months ago. He’s been there ever since,” said Risa.

“So where’s the bloody problem?” I asked.

“We were in contact with each other for a couple of months and the conversations grew more complex from ‘you’ and ‘me’ to ‘we.’ It seemed that Roy was not ready for a ‘we’ as yet. He said his job was temporary and he had no immediate future and how would he care for me without a permanent job,” said Risa.

“But if he proposed to you, are you willing to wait?”

“Oh, absolutely Vic! I don’t care how much time I’ll have to wait but I will. For him."

“But then why doesn’t he commit? Doesn’t he love you?”

“I wish he didn’t. It wouldn’t hurt as much.”

“But Risa….., I still don’t see the problem.”

“Vic, I’m thirty. Roy’s just started his career. He thinks he’s gonna take more time to get settled in his job. But he doesn’t want me to wait for that long. And so we’ve decided to part away.” Risa was sad. I could feel it rather then see it. She was one girl who wouldn’t express her emotions. She was always the everything’s-all-right-with-me type. But nine years of a close friendship helped me sense her dejection.

“I had never ever imagined I’d fall for some guy, Vic. I had always hoped for an arranged marriage. All I wanted was a well-educated boy with a decent family, a good job and a nice little home. You know, the things most girls normally desire. But fate had other things in store for me. I’ve experienced a lot in these last seven years, Vic. I’ve gone through difficult times and I didn’t have anybody to share my troubles. I missed you all so much.

“But we did not lose contact. We used to chat when we were online. He used to call me. I used to tell him that Ma and Pa had a few proposals for me and he would bloody encourage me to take them seriously. It drove me mad. Whenever we used to chat, he used to ask me if I had some new proposals and what happened to the old ones. The oaf!

“It hurt me no ends to see that he would be so nonchalant in this matter when I would be so distressed. So I started ignoring his calls, his chat requests and his messages. Because after every talk and chat it all used to come back and I would feel a sharp twang in my chest ‘cos we cannot be together.

“He came home a couple of months back and we met at a mutual friend’s place. He said that I wasn’t looking good, I had lost weight and it seemed that I was carrying an immense burden. And he felt guilty about it. I said you needn’t feel the guilt ‘cos it was a combined decision and not yours’ alone. I don’t want him to feel guilty, Vic. It’s a bad thing. And when there’s guilt in your heart, there’s no place for any other emotion!

“A funny relationship you were in, Risa. I mean if the guy really loves you…..?!”

“I had mixed feelings. It was all jumbled upstairs. I thought I was in love, but was I? Was it really love or only an infatuation?”

“A bit late to have an infatuation, wouldn’t you agree, Risa?”

Risa gave a clear, natural, unadulterated laugh.

“Yeah, I guess so. But tell me Vic, how was it between you and Amy? Or how would it have been between Joe and Niki? Even Andy has finally found his soul mate, it seems. What’s her name?”

“Sue.”

“How’s she?”

“She’s good. Good for Andy. She’s our types. Would fit completely in the ‘gang.’”

“Great. Looking forward to meeting her.” A difficult pause. Risa was playing with her spoon.

“Our relationship didn’t quite take off. We had too little time. It probably lacked the,……., the intensity!”

“Yeah! That would be it!”

“I’m much better than the last time we met. I’ve even gained a few pounds, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, but be careful!”

“Oh, don’t you worry! Would you like to have another coffee? I’m having one more.”

“No, thanks.”

To be continued…….

Risa ordered another cappuccino. We waited till it was served. She took a sachet of sugar, cut it and poured its contents into her cup thereby spoiling the beautiful spade (or was it a heart?) design that the bartender had made with the foam of the cappuccino.

“Roy wants to maintain the ‘friendship.’ He wants to be in touch, he wants to communicate. But every time we talk I seem to get carried away and then the after effects are pretty bad. It takes me a lot of time to gain normalcy. There was no friendship between us, Vic. We never were friends. We were just two ordinary people madly attracted to each other. And now if we have decided to part off, I don’t want any communication. I just want to shut him off. But he doesn’t understand. And I can’t tell him straight. I’ve tried many times but I just couldn’t tell him.”

“I think he cannot come to terms with the fact that it was his call to part off. He loves you and wants to be with you in whatever way he can; phone calls, messages, anything.”

“But it’s painful for me, Vic.”

“I know, Risa. But you see, boys and girls look at this from different perspectives. Boys are emotionally weak, you see. We’d love to cling onto something which would keep us sane. You are Roy’s link to sanity. He’s in a foreign place with nobody he knows around. Plus he loves you. And so he’d desperately cling on to your emotional support until….!”

“Until what?”

“Until he finds emotional stability from some place else.”

“You mean when he finds someone else?”

“Not exactly. Even if he gets a good job and realizes that he has a secure career ahead of him, some good people whom he can befriend, good colleagues at the workplace. All of these things will help him stabilize.”

“I bloody see!”

“Yeah. Now you do. Girls normally have a different way. If they want to forget somebody, they’ll try to break any and every form of contact with the person and completely shut the person off from their minds. That’s exactly what you are doing.”

“So what do I do, Vic. I know that by doing so, I’m hurting him.”

“It’s your call, Risa. If you’ve really decided to move on in life, you’ve got to forget Roy.”

“Yeah, you’re right, Vic. He’s coming for a friends’ wedding. I am invited as well. I’m gonna tell him straight. What do you think?”

“Just be gentle with him. Try to put yourself into his shoes. Part away like two good, mature people. Make him understand the point.”

“Yeah. I think I’ll do just that. Thanks a bunch, Vic. You’ve been a darling!”

“Anytime Risa. As the cliché goes, what are friends for?”

Risa laughed. I could sense that the weight she was carrying had lifted somewhat. She felt lighter.

“I think you should leave this town, Risa. Come to C---. That way you’d be closer to all of us. Joe and Niki are there, Andy’s there and we are not far off.”

“Yeah, you’re right. And anyways, I’m having problems with the boss. I’ve applied at a couple of places in C---. I think I’ll get a job.”

“Great! You do that, Risa. We’ll have fun. Most of the ‘gang’ can still meet up.”

“Yeah. I was even thinking of buying a home in C---.”

“And you can also meet some interesting people in C---! C---‘s a big place you see. And you are attractive to say the least.”

Risa blushed then laughed.

“Seriously, Risa. And as I believe, it’s never too late to fall in love!”

“That, Vic, remains to be seen. But thanks for being a patient listener. I needed this.”

“Don’t mention it, dear. I won’t say that you’ve got to come out of immediately and start afresh. Take your time. Shed all your excess baggage here. And come to C---.”

“I’ll do just that. Thanks again Vic. Shall we leave.”

“Absolutely.”

“Hey, you didn’t finish your walnut brownie!”

“I didn’t quite like it. It has left a bitter taste in my mouth. Let’s go.”

End.

p.s. - Roy got married to a foreigner. He tried contacting Risa, but she gave him a piece of her mind! Risa got married a month ago to a fine man. She is very happy. Fingers crossed!

Go Daim!

2011-02-08T20:45:00.000+05:30

It had been a beautiful day. Arthur Vannes had just arrived home from London, where he had spent the day with the gorgeous Miri; Admiranda, she had insisted on being called (“That’s my real name!”). They had roamed around in Hyde Park, had dinner in a restaurant called “Agu’s” and then had gone to Miri’s house where they had a drink and some romance. Arthur was able to catch the last bus home. He lay on the couch idly switching channels on the TV and thinking only of Miri.

A news telecast caught his attention. The reporter was talking about a UFO sighting somewhere downtown. “…reports are still pouring in. A senior citizen named Mr. Clyde Walcott was returning home from the bar when he heard an unusual screeching sound as if a huge vehicle was applying brakes. This was accompanied by lot of unusually colored lights and suddenly from behind a row of trees lining the neighborhood rose a gigantic spaceship which hovered around for a while, as if deciding what to do next and suddenly vanished as if it suddenly remembered that it had left the lights in the porch on!!”

UFO! That usually spells trouble.

Rrrriiiing!! The doorbell.

‘Who the bloody……,’ thought Arthur.

He opened the door.

Drenched to the skin and wearing Bermuda shorts and a military officer’s jacket and a hat stood Daimbert Fourcaut, smiling!

Arthur: “Daim?!?!? How the…? Where had you….? How did you…….?”

Daimbert: “All in good time, my boy! Wouldn’t you let a tired hitchhiker in first?”

Arthur: “Oh, I’m sorry. Do come in.”

Daimbert: “Nice place you’ve got here, Vannes. Its peaceful.”

Arthur: “Thanks. But where were you all these days?”

Daimbert threw his satchel carelessly on the table and himself on the sofa which creaked angrily at his inconsiderate manner.

Daimbert: “Well, I left you with the guy, Deli. I suddenly remembered that I hadn’t been to a party for a long time. And I had to have a good time. We had spent quite a few strenuous days, you see. So I hitched a ride on Blargasoluman’s spaceship. You remember him? The guy with four hands we met when we visited the planet Ertaut?”

Arthur: “Oh, yeah! I remember him all right! The ass….!”

Daimbert: “Tch, tch, my dear Arthur. To err is human, I mean, humanoid; to forgive is …… what was that?! Anyways, I think the man was in his rights when he stopped you from entering Martha’s Floating Pub. It was reserved for highly bizarre life forms. I know you qualify for being bizarre, but not highly!”

Arthur: “He shouldn’t have hit me though!”

Daimbert: “Yeah, and definitely not with that monkey!!”

Daimbert is in a fit of laughter. He stops.

Daimbert: “Look, I’m sorry, ok. Now, I have a galaxy-deadening headache. Can you get me a steaming hot cup of black coffee?”

Arthur: “Ok.” He left the room. After a while, he emerged with a cup of hot, black coffee. He saw Daimbert rummaging in his satchel.

Arthur: “Here. Your coffee.”

Daimbert: “Thanks. Got a few dry clothes?”

Arthur: “Sure. I’ll find something for you.” He went upstairs and got a few clothes for Daimbert.

Daimbert: “Thanks, my boy. You are a life-saver.”

Arthur: “So, tell me. Where did you go in that bugger’s spaceship?”

Daimbert: “To the bestest party ever!! It’s called the Never-Ending Party! Nobody knows when it started and I’ll be damned if it ever ends!! It’s on a planet called Whoopitupos in the Grooveit System. Legend has it that the inhabitants of the planet were a very miserable people. They were pathetically sad and depressed. In fact, their planet was called Gloomos before. Until one day when Krinchun, the Eternally Happy arrived!

Arthur: “You mean Krinchun, the Event Manager?”

Daimbert: “Yes. Actually Krinchun never wished to come on Gloomos but he had to crash land on it since there was a malfunction in his ship’s system. When he came out of his ship, he saw the inhabitants of Gloomos gathered around his ship looking at it and him with a sad, dejected look on their faces. Krinchun asked them why they were so low. The ten Chiefs said they didn’t know. They had been like this for ages. Nobody knew why. So Krinchun decided to spice up their wretched lives. He took the Chiefs into confidence and with the help of other locals organized the grandest party in the galaxy. The party began and initially the locals were wary of this seemingly unnatural phenomenon but gradually started enjoying it. The music was obviously out of their world because the DJ was! Soon word spread to the surrounding planets and party animals from the neighboring planets started pouring in. Booze from across the galaxy reached Gloomos. But since there was no gloom and despondency, Krinchun suggested to the Chiefs that they should change the name of their planet. The Chiefs did not like this idea and Krinchun exclaimed, “C’mon guys, Whoop it up!!” The Chiefs liked the idea and they changed the name of their planet to Whoopitupos, by a vote of nine for and one against.

Arthur: “One against?”

Daimbert: “Yeah! One Chief wanted to rename the planet Serragaderraflimpoturos!! Nobody heard of that Chief from that day onwards and the total number of Chiefs has remained nine since that day.”

Arthur: “Bad choice! So what happened to you there?”

Daimbert: “Oh! I met some old friends, had a couple of drinks, hitched a ride, traveled to a few planets, stopped a couple of revolutions, was made king of one, spent a couple of years with a hermit, had a roaring affair with the most stunningly beautiful girl in the galaxy, was ditched for a hobo, was caught by the Space Patrol, released on bail paid by the people of the planet I was made king of, hitched a ride and came here!”

Arthur: “WOW!! Some time you had!”

Suddenly the entire room is illuminated as if the sun was eavesdropping. There is a screeching sound as if a huge vehicle is applying brakes.

Daimbert: “C’mon. Pack your satchel. They have come.”

Arthur (utterly confused): “Who has?”

Daimbert: “Our ship. We are going for a little trip.”

Arthur knew better than to ask questions to Daim. There would be lot of time to do that. He hurried to his room, stuffed a few things in his satchel, sent a quick voice message to Miri that he would be out of the country for a week and came running downstairs. The front door was already open and Daim was busy shouting to somebody in the spaceship which stood hovering a few feet from the ground. A metal ladder came down. Daimbert caught hold of it and started climbing. Arthur followed suit.

The spaceship was a regular Pretsul Class D Transporter. On the bridge sat the Captain, a Hagron Commander. When Arthur entered the bridge he was shocked to see Daim having a heated argument with him. Arthur ran up to them and tried to calm the situation. He was cut sharply by Daim.

Daimbert: “What do you think you are doing? You want to get us both killed or what?”

Arthur: “Well, that’s not the way to talk to somebody who has given you an interplanetary hike. Show some courtesy!”

Daimbert: “That is bloody exactly what I’m doing! Don’t you see he is a Hagron? You show courtesy to a Hagron only when you swear at him and use all the f***ing expletives in the galaxy. You shout at him. That is how you show courtesy to him.”

Daimbert continued “showing courtesy” to the Hagron. The Hagron seemed to enjoy it. And when he spoke, Arthur thought that a bomb had exploded nearby. He barely managed to hold on to the railings to stop him from falling. The Hagron spoke for, what Arthur thought was eternity. Daimbert took Arthur by the hand and they came out of the bridge. They walked the length of the corridor without speaking a word. They came to a door, which Daimbert opened with one of the many keys he had. They entered a room. Daimbert shut the door behind them.

Daimbert: “Uses up so much energy, these conversations!”

Arthur: “Strange! These Hagrons!”

Daimbert: “Anyways, a little discomfort is acceptable. Let us rest for a while, my friend. We’ve got a lot of work to do!”

Arthur: “But, where are we going?”

Daimbert: “To run a few errands.”

Arthur: “For whom?”

Daimbert: “That, my friend, is absolutely not of your concern at the present moment of time. Now, if you will excuse me, I’ll get something for us to eat. Meanwhile you may read all about Hagrons in those books.”

Daimbert left for the kitchen leaving Arthur in the room. The room was sufficiently large for two people and had everything for a comfortable couple of nights stay except for the oddly shaped beds. On one wall was a cabinet filled with lot of books. Arthur saw the titles of them and found them a bit amusing. “Hagrons at Work,” “Hagrons at Home,” “Hagrons at War,” “When Hagrons Write,” “The Fate of the Hagrons and the Future of the Galaxy.” Arthur picked up “When Hagrons Write” and was flabbergasted at the despicable language used in what was hailed as the finest piece of Hagron Literature. He kept the book where it had been and picked up “The History of the Hagrons.” “The Hagrons, it said, are an ancient tribe of tradesmen who are the best transporters of life and things from one part of the Galaxy to the other. They are the species of choice for this job due to their near-perfect navigational skills and queer cultural ways, that is, their idea of showing courtesy is by swearing at other people and shouting with the crudest language possible. They are inhabitants of the planet called Hagromonos in the Simialista system. These ape-like creatures are known throughout the Galaxy for their brute strength and unfailing honesty to their commerce.” Arthur put the book down and lay on the bed looking at the ceiling, which was painted a striking shade of pink.

Daimbert entered carrying a large tray filled with plenty of indescribable Hagron delicacies. He lay it on the table and started munching merrily. Arthur, seeing that Daimbert was still alive and in his senses, concluded that the food was certainly eatable if not palatable and took a tentative bite. The food was warm and surprisingly delicious. They both ate hungrily.

Daimbert: “The best cooks in the Galaxy!!”

Arthur: “Hagrons?”

Daimbert: “No, Ventrians.”

Arthur: “And who are they?”

Daimbert: “The best cooks in the Galaxy!”

Arthur (irritated): “I heard that the first time. I mean, Oh, never mind.”

Daimbert removed a small bottle from his satchel. He picked up two small glasses from the table and poured a few drops in each one. He then filled the glasses with water. He held one in his hand and offered the other to Arthur.

Arthur: “And what, may I ask, is this?”

Daimbert: “Yes you may!”

Arthur: “Ok. So what is it?”

Daimbert: “The most excellent alcoholic beverage in the entire galaxy! It’s called Fisgee.”

Daimbert gulped down the entire contents of the glass in a gulp. Many emotions passed his face in the next few moments and then he was Daim again.

Daimbert: “Go on!”

Arthur put the glass to his mouth and took a nervous gulp. He felt a very strange sensation at the back of his neck. He took a large swig and finished of his drink.

Daimbert: “So, how was it?”

Arthur: “Great! Some more, please?”

Daimbert: “Sorry, my boy, but one more drink and you will have a hangover for the next forty five days. This is potent stuff, you see. Now lets get some sleep. We have work to do.”

Daimbert spread himself on the oddly-shaped bed and within a few moments was snoring away. Arthur lay on the bed looking at the ceiling and thinking about Miri. He was thinking of the new adventure in which Daim was going to put him in. He wondered if he had been a bit over enthusiastic in coming along with Daim. Past experience had shown that troubles follow Daimbert Fourcaut. When he was overcome by sleep, he did not remember. All he could recall was the strange dream where he and Miri were walking hand-in-hand in Hyde Park and suddenly Miri changed into Daim who said, “I love you, Arthur!” and then started laughing maniacally before changing back to Miri. He was woken by Daim who had shaved and washed and was ready for a new adventure.

Daimbert: “C’mon, lazy bones. Get up and get ready. We are nearing the vortex and I don’t want to be late by a year!”

Arthur was still under the influence of sleep and Fisgee and his entire system retorted at the idea of full consciousness.

Arthur: “Whuzz? Fuw…? Sizz?”

Daimbert: “Get up. Go and wash yourself. And be at the bridge in exactly fifteen minutes. I’ll see you there.”

Daimbert left leaving Arthur awfully bewildered. But Arthur knew that with Daimbert, you have to be prepared for eccentricities. He got up, washed and changed into a jeans and a comfortable cotton shirt. He picked up his satchel and made his way to the bridge. He entered the bridge and saw Daimbert “showing courtesy” to the Hagron commander and from the looks of it he was genuinely pleased with the fact that the Hagron had agreed to give them a hike.

Daimbert: “Ah! Here you come! Arthur, please thank the good commander before we leave.”

Now, this was a very precarious situation for Arthur. He had always been somebody who had loved staying out of troubles and so his dictionary of expletives and invectives was vastly limited. He tried desperately to summon up a few to “thank” the Hagron. He suddenly recalled the day when he had just landed on Earth after his galactic expedition and was trundling towards home not realizing that he was walking in the middle of the road and a man in a mean looking van had honked from behind and had sworn at him. He thanked the man.

Arthur: “Ummm, well, thank you, you blood-sucking *$@#, you son-of-a-$%!@#. Your hospitality was *@#$*! So long!”

Daim seemed very pleased.

Daimbert: “That’s better. Now come, we’ve got to move fast.”

Daimbert took Arthur near a small capsule-like cabinet, which was made of Titanium and had a small glass viewing port. They entered it and it locked automatically. There was only enough space in it for them to stand, albeit a bit uncomfortably and also a tad embarrassingly. There was a small red bulb on top. As soon as it flashed, Daim threw a menacing looking black switch. Arthur felt as if the floor beneath had suddenly disappeared and that a gigantic invisible hand was crushing him. After a few painful moments, he suddenly started feeling weightless. All he could see was darkness all around. And then all of a sudden his feet touched solid ground. He lost his balance and tumbled. When he opened his eyes, he was in a field. He looked around to see Daim already up and dusting himself.

Arthur: “Where are we?”

Daimbert: “On Earth.”

Arthur: “I can see that. But what place is it?”

Daimbert: “Your country. His Majesty’s Land.”

Arthur: “Shouldn’t you be saying Her Majesty’s Land?”

Daimbert: “Her Majesty hasn’t been born yet! (taking out an object, the size of a small note pad, looking into it) His Majesty Charles II is king. This is 1677!”

Arthur: “WHAT!! We’ve time-traveled?”

Daimbert: “Yes, my boy. That is exactly what we’ve done.”

Arthur: “Oh! Ok, so what do we do now?”

Daimbert (showing a neatly wrapped box to Arthur): “We deliver this to a gentleman living there.”

Daimbert was pointing towards a large house.

Arthur: “Who lives here?”

Daimbert: “This is Woolsthorpe Manor and the owner of this place is……… Sir Isaac Newton!”

Arthur looked at Daimbert with a befuddled look on his face.

Daimbert: “Close your mouth, my friend. Let’s go and meet Sir Isaac.”

They started walking towards the stately mansion.

Daimbert: “This place is called Woolsthorpe-by-Colsterworth. It’s in the Lincolnshire county. And one more thing, Newton hasn’t been knighted as yet. It is still some time when he’ll be conferred knighthood. Charming ol’ Anne will knight him some thirty years from now. So please call him Master Isaac. He has a terrible temper. Humor him, will you! And oh, one last point. Let things be, don’t fiddle with history!”

Arthur looked around. Huge elm trees surrounded the manor. The lawn was manicured and exotic flowers were tended to by a host of gardeners. The milieu was enchanting, to say the least. They reached the front door. Ford pulled the bell-rope. The door was opened by a friendly-looking middle-aged butler.

Daimbert: “Oh! Hello Thomas, old chap. How’s life?”

Thomas: “Master Daimbert! It is a pleasure to see you again. How are you?”

Daimbert: “I’m fine, I’m fine. This and that.”

Thomas: “Please do come in and make yourselves comfortable. (looking at Arthur) And who might the gentleman be?”

Daimbert: “Oh, he’s a friend. Arthur Vannes. From Worcestershire.”

Arthur threw a sharp look at Daim and saw Daim wink slightly at him. They entered the huge hall. Arthur couldn’t help feeling belittled in that enormous demonstration of wealth and royalty.

Thomas: “Very well, sires. Please be seated. I’ll arrange for some refreshments.”

Daimbert: “We haven’t got the time to enjoy your hospitality, Thomas, old boy. If we can meet Master Isaac….?”

Thomas: “I’m afraid, you’ll have to wait, sires. Master Isaac has gone to the fields. I have absolutely no idea when he will return.”

Daimbert: “Bloody zonkers! Anyways, can you give this to him along with my best regards?”

Daimbert removed the box from his satchel and handed over to Thomas.

Thomas: “Gladly, Master Daimbert. If only you could wait for a little while. I’m sure Master Isaac must be returning soon. It’s close to dinner time.”

Daimbert: “I’d love to, old fella, I’d love to. Always a pleasure, dining with the great man. But I’m in a hurry. We both are, actually.”

Thomas: “Oh, ok, then. As you wish, Master Daimbert.”

Daimbert: “Ta da, then Thomas, old friend. See you sometime soon. Oh! Before we leave, can I use the bathroom. This traveling gets on my system, you see.”

Thomas: “Certainly, Master Daimbert. You know the way. I’ll get Master Vannes something to drink till then.”

Daimbert (to Arthur, in a whisper): “Finish your drink quietly. Don’t do anything suspicious. Don’t ask too many questions. I’ll be right with you.”

Daimbert left the room along with Thomas. Arthur was all alone in the room. He looked around. The room was tastefully decorated. Huge paintings of some highly important personages adored the walls. The curtains and drapery was exquisite. And there hung an enormous chandelier from the ceiling. Arthur turned around to face the door just in time to see a man entering through the front door. He had a dazed look on his face and he was rubbing the back of his head with his right hand. He was holding a half-eaten apple in his left hand. Just then Thomas arrived with the drink.

Thomas: “Ah! Master Isaac! What is the matter, sire?”

So, this was the Isaac Newton, thought Arthur. Well, he looked very much a common man. Long hair, untied; unkempt dress, long, sallow face. Arthur wondered whether he really was the master of the estate.

Newton: “Wha……? Well……, ummm….., What did you ask, Thomas?”

Thomas: “Is everything all right, Master?”

Newton (not addressing to anybody in particular): “A very interesting phenomenon occurred to me. I was sitting beneath this apple tree gazing at the heavens and thinking about some complex form of mathematics I am trying to devise, when all of a sudden, this blasted apple falls and hits me right on the skull.”

Thomas: “Good lord! Is it paining, master? I’ll get the hot water bag.”

Newton: “No. No, Thomas. That wouldn’t be needed. But you see. Ever since, I’ve been wondering why the God-forsaken thing had to fall down when I was so close to discovering something so important?”

Arthur (unable to contain his excitement): “Were you discovering the Calculus?”

Newton (looking at Arthur for the first time): “The Calculus? What a strange name! Actually I was thinking about naming it Newtonian Mathematocringulastisphingotimulus! How’s that?”

Thomas: “Absolute genius!”

Arthur: “Genius, my foot! Absolute crap!”

Newton (a bit offended): “Beg your pardon, sire! And what do you know about it?”

Arthur: “Well, I…..umm….., it’s…… I’ve studied it!!”

Newton: “But I haven’t completely discovered it!”

Arthur: “Well, yeah, right. But wouldn’t that be a discouraging name? Cringles and all!”

Newton: “On second thoughts Calculus does seem a good name. Thank you, sire. (looking at Thomas) So as I was saying, Thomas, this apple comes straight down from the tree and hits me on the head. Don’t you think it’s funny?”

Thomas: “Well, if you ask me, Master, I don’t sincerely think that it’s funny. Whatever goes up has to come down!”

Newton: “Yes, but why?”

Arthur: “Gravity!! Simple?”

Newton: “Beg your pardon, sire! Gravity? Never heard of the thing!”

Arthur (surprised): “You coined the term. From the latin ‘gravitas!’”

Newton (utterly confused): “Did I? When?”

Arthur: “In your book ‘The Principia!”

Newton: “My book? Excuse me, sire, but I have written no such book.”

Arthur: “You have!! Universal Gravitation, Three Laws of Motion!! It is all there.”

Newton: “Laws of Motion? Gravitation? Where did you come across these terms?”

Arthur: “Oh! In your book called ‘Philosophie Natural, something. I don’t quite remember the name. You like long confusing names, don’t you?”

Newton (self-importantly): “Well, it should convey the meaning, shouldn’t it?”

Arthur: “Well, whatever you say!”

Newton: “But I quite like your idea. What did you say made the apple fall? Gravity, was it? (to himself) Amazing! Wow! Gravity, the force that pulls all down! (to Arthur) Thank you so much, sire. I must say that was great help.”

Arthur: “Oh! Don’t mention it. Ah Daim, here you come.”

Daimbert: “Master Isaac! (to Arthur, a bit worried) What happened? Why is Master Isaac soooo happy and all?”

Arthur (a little shamefacedly): “Well, it’s nothing. We were, umm, discussing the weather in Worcestershire. Weren’t we, Thomas?”

Thomas: “Beg your pardon, sire?”

Arthur: “Thank you Thomas. The drink was excellent. And Master Isaac, I think we should leave. Shouldn’t we, Daim.”

Newton: “Ah, yes. Genius, your friend is Mr. Fourcaut!”

Daimbert: “Is he?”

Arthur: “C’mon, Daim, we’re getting late.

Arthur caught him by the arm and started dragging him towards the door. Behind them they could here Newton excitedly asking Thomas to bring him some papers and a pen since he wanted to note down the ‘great idea’ before it vaporized from his mind.

Daimbert: “And what the bloody zooters were you doing there?”

Arthur: “Oh, nothing. Just reminding old Isaac what a great man he was!”

Daimbert: “Arthur Vannes! You are so miserably pathetic!”

Arthur: “Daimbert Fourcaut! You are so downright hopeless!”

They both break into delightful laughter. Tears roll down their eyes.

Arthur: “So, tell me Daim. What are you up to?”

Daimbert: “I’ve started a little freelancing enterprise.”

Arthur: “And what is that?”

Daimbert: “First let us find a place where we can have a drink.”

They started walking towards the village where they found a tavern. They found a corner table and ordered two ginger-ale. A grumpy bar girl gave them their drinks.

Daimbert: “You see I met this very rich and a bit shady man when I was living with this hermit I told you about. I was on a planet called Sugiron Six. I wanted a break. This happened to be the quietest planet in that part of the galaxy. I bumped into this intergalactic hermit. Called himself France. Strange name! He told me about some very fascinating things. He had traveled many times more than I had. I made him my Teacher and lived with him. He used to give a sermon every morning for a couple of hours which would be attended by around ten people. Then he used to meditate till evening. I got to learn a lot from him. One day he told me about this man who used to come to meet him every few months. He said if I would like to work for him, I would get good money and I would get a chance to travel to exotic places and meet interesting people. I agreed. I had had my break and was ready for some adventure. So the next time this guy came to see France, he introduced me to him. The man called himself a businessman. Said he delivered stuff to some pretty important people in history. He would pay me per delivery and there would be lot of fringe benefits, all non-taxable, of course!! So I’ve been delivering stuff to people all through history. I’ve delivered on Earth, Uranus, planets in Ursa Minor, Ursa Major, around Alpha Centauri, you name it!”

Arthur: “So who is this guy and what did you just deliver to Newton?”

Daimbert: “Who knows! He tells me to pick up stuff from some place, I do that, along with it is information as to who is the receiver, I get to enter the Time Vortex, I enter it, find the person and deliver. That’s it! I don’t care who is the businessman or what’s there in the boxes that I deliver. It’s as if the people whom I deliver the boxes are kind of expecting them. Strange! But what the heck! The money’s good. Tell you what. I’ve invested all my money through history. That is, I deposit my money in a bank in, say, 1677 and on my trip into, say, 2020, I withdraw it. Can you imagine how much my money has grown during that time?!”

Arthur: “Seems a good idea. Great idea, in fact! So how many have you made?”

Daimbert: “A fortune!! And part of it I’ve invested retrospectively in the Stock Markets of all major planets. I know which shares are going to rise and which are going to crash. So when the tide’s high, I sell, and when it’s low, I buy. That’s the advantage of Time Travel. Not many people can do it, you see.”

Arthur: “Neat! So this businessman of yours knows a secret or two!”

Daimbert: “Yeah! He’s secretive himself. I’ve heard rumors about him but nothing concrete. And frankly speaking, I don’t want to know. I work for him, right, and I wouldn’t want a bad impression.”

Arthur: “Yeah, but you could be involved in criminal activity!”

Daimbert: “Possible. But the case is too flaccid to take seriously. This is big squeeze. Spread all across history. I don’t think the Space Patrol has a Crimes Through History Department. They are running short of manpower, anyways. Plus my boss is too influential to get caught.”

Arthur: “Still, makes me worry.”

Daimbert: “You were never the one to take risks, Vannes. That’s why I brought you with me. Wanted to show you that money can be earned through various novel ways. All you need is a little bit of brains, a dash of far-sightedness, a pinch of adventurism and vőila!”

Daimbert looked into an object which looked like a small notepad.

Arthur: “What’s this you keep looking at?”

Daimbert: “This, my friend, is the latest in Time-travel. It’s called “The Clock!”

Arthur: “Not a terribly fascinating name for cutting-edge technology!”

Daimbert: “Keep the sarcasm with you, Vannes. As Will said, “What’s in a name?” Fine chap, Will. So as I was saying, this thing tells me the current date, time, delivery status, next delivery point, person, place, date, time. It also tells me where the next Time Vortex will be present. (the “Clock” started beeping angrily) And its telling me that the next Time Vortex is nearby. Come, hasten, my friend, we have to travel.”

Arthur: “Where are we going?”

Daimbert: “On the Santa Maria! To meet Chris!”

Arthur: “Chris, who?”

Daimbert: “Christopher Columbus!”

They hurriedly paid their bill and left the bargirl wondering whose photo was there on the piece of parchment the two odd fellows had given her. Daimbert kept on checking some signal on the “Clock.” He changed directions accordingly. After a mile’s walk, they came to the far side of the village.

Daimbert: “Ok, Arthur. I want you to stand over there. Yes, that’s it. Now don’t move. I’m going to send you through the vortex. I’ll be right behind you. Close your eyes. Ready?”

Arthur had a similar experience as before when they had left the Hagron’s spaceship. The world seemed to spin around him. It gained speed, until everything seemed blurred. A few seconds later, he tumbled on the wooden surface of the ship Santa Maria. Arthur got up and looked around in amazement at the legendary ship. It was not huge as compared to modern steamers and cruise ships but with the myth connected to it, it seemed gigantic. Seconds later, Daim materialized behind him with a dull ‘thwack!’

Daimbert: “I barely made it. Thought I was going to miss the vortex.”

Arthur: “This is…… wow!!”

Daimbert (looking around): “Yeah, if you say so. But look at the state of this junkyard! Miserable. And what was the fool thinking of? Circumnavigating the globe? In this piece of Blubberosaurus shit?”

Arthur: “You’ve met Columbus before?”

Daimbert: “Nope. First delivery. And hopefully, the last.”

Arthur: “What date is it?”

Daimbert (looking at the ‘Clock’): “Today is 11^th October 1492. A day before they sighted land. San Salvador in the

Bahamas

.”

Arthur: “Wow! We are close to history being made. First European to see the New World!”

Daimbert: “Nah! Another guy named Leif Ericson discovered the New World some five hundred years back.”

Arthur: “Never heard of the guy.”

Daimbert: “Who cares? (pompously and a bit caustically) Let’s find the Admiral of the Ocean Sea!”

They walked towards the front end of the ship. All of a sudden four murderous looking seamen jumped in front of them. They were brandishing equally murderous looking shotguns in their hands. Arthur thought as if they had appeared on the sets of an old Hollywood pirate movie.

Before anyone could speak, Daimbert spoke in a calm and measured voice.

Daimbert: “We come in peace. Take us to your Captain.”

The sailors were surprised at this unexpected loss of apprehension and fretfulness on the part of the visitors. They looked warily at them and then looked at each other as if waiting for some command. Then the meanest looking sailor who seemed to be their leader spoke in a deep and throaty voice.

Sailor: “Who’r yoo? An’ what business do yoo ‘ave on me ship?”

Arthur: “Are you Mr. Columbus?”

Daimbert: “Shut up, Vannes. Let me handle this. (then to the sailor) Listen ol’ friend. We mean you or your ship no harm, whatsoever. We have peaceful business with your captain. Just take us to him and we will be gone in a jiffy. We wouldn’t want to spoil your land spotting, would we?”

Sailor (surprised): “Land spotting? ‘ow do yoo know we’s gonna spot land? We’s sailin’ like crazee for the past four moons. Admiral says, we’s on a mission. Mission to ‘elp the motherland. And I say he’s crazeeier than a dodo marooned on an island! (regaining some control. And eyeing both of them suspiciously) Land? Is it near? You came from it? We din’ see no boat of you’se? ‘ow did yoo get o’erboard?”

Daimbert: “Relax, ol’ chap. All in good time. Just take me to your man. I’ll tell you more.”

The sailor seemed confused. He didn’t know what to do. He looked at the other three. The other three were looking at him hopefully.

Sailor 2: “What do we do, Rodrigo? Methinks they should be thrown o’erboard!”

The other two grumbled positively in favour of Arthur and Daim being thrown and be done away with.

Sailor 1 (now Rodrigo): “NO! I theenk we’ll take ‘em to the Admiral. Let ‘im decide. (maliciously) We can always throw ‘em later!”

Arthur was already perspiring feverishly.

Daimbert: “My dear amigos! You will never realize how grateful we are for your kindness. But I assure you that once we’ve finished our business with Chris, I mean, the Admiral, we shall stay for not one moment on this God-forsaken ship of yours.”

Rodrigo (to the other sailors) : Carlos, Dias, Pedro! Tie ‘em up!”

The three sailors did as they were told, and happily so. They tied up Arthur and Daim and started taking them to the Captain’s cabin.

Rodrigo: “An’ no funnee business. Yoo unde’stand?”

Daimbert: “My dear Rodriguez! How inventive! But I guess you are not serious. It is highly unlikely for both of us to engage in any sort of business, leave alone funny, with our hands tied!”

Rodrigo: “Ok, smart ass! Moooove!!

They were both taken to the Captain’s cabin. Rodrigo rapped twice on the door. From inside came a gruff “C’min!” Rodrigo opened the door and shoved Arthur and Daimbert inside.

Columbus: “By the Blessed Virgin of Montserrat! Who are these two, Rodrigo? Stowaways?”

Rodrigo: “No, Admiral. I don’ theenk they are stowaways. We’s caught them prowling on the decks. They say we’s close to land. They’s must be from the land.”

Columbus: “LAND!! Where? Who? When? What? How? (then regaining control) Ah, well, ummmm. Rodrigo, you may go. I’ll talk to these two. Alone.”

Rodrigo went out mumbling incoherently. He was obviously not amused at the Captain’s orders. He shut the door of the cabin. After a couple of moments,

Columbus: “Hello, gentlemen. I am Cristóbal Colón. And who may you be?”

Arthur: “Where’s Columbus?”

Daimbert (sharply to Arthur): “He is standing right in front of you. Christopher Columbus is the anglicized name of Cristóbal Colón.”

Arthur: “Oh! I thought……!”

They both looked at Columbus. Standing before them was a man in his early forties. His hair was auburn, his face pale and chubby. He was on the stouter side. Arthur thought that if his hair was coloured silver and if he grew a moustache and a flowing beard, he would make a very realistic Santa Claus! He wore a sailor’s uniform with a large hat accentuating his title. He looked quite self-important.

Columbus: “You haven’t answered my question.”

Daimbert: “Oh, I beg your pardon, Viceroy, I mean, Admiral. But it is not every day that you get to meet people like you, sir!”

Columbus was obviously pleased with the remark. Daim had already guessed that with Columbus, flattery would take you very far.

Columbus: “Who are you two, where did you come from and what are you doing on my ship?”

Daimbert: “My name is Daimbert Fourcaut, he’s my friend Arthur Vannes. I have something to deliver to you.”

Columbus: “Deliver? To me? What? And where did you come from?

Daimbert: “That should not be of your concern Captain. But what should be of your concern is that if you want to take the delivery, then you should untie my hands first.”

Columbus (a bit circumspect): “And why should I trust you?”

Ford: “I bring regards from Bartiflappo Finegrandi!”

Columbus (surprised, happily): “Barty sent you?”

Arthur (to Daim in a whisper): “Who’s this Barty, now?”

Ford: “My employer. Pathetically strange name, isn’t it? (to Columbus) Oh yes, Captain.”

Columbus: “And you have something for me?”

Daimbert: “Exactly! If only you could untie my hands.”

Columbus: “Oh, surely (hurrying to untie their hands) I’m sorry. Rodrigo is a little too keen, you see. A little hare-brained.”

Daimbert: “Hey, no hard feelings. He was doing his job. (prophesizing) He will be a very important man for you, no doubt.”

Columbus: “Eh? Well, here we are. Please make yourselves comfortable. Tea?”

Daimbert: “Something strong, please? This shippy business is a shade disturbing for my system.”

Columbus: “Oh, sure. My bar’s well stocked.”

Columbus filled three glasses with “the best liquor in all of Genoa” and handed one each to Arthur and Daimbert.

Columbus (raising his glass): “To my Lords Isabella and Ferdinand!”

Daimbert: “To Bella and Ferdy! May they keep on funding your expeditions! (to himself) The bloody, lucky fools!”

Arthur: “To…….them!”

They clinked their glasses. Columbus finished his drink in one gulp. Daimbert contemplated over his drink while Arthur took a tentative sip.

Columbus: “Tell me, Señor Daimbert, how’s my old friend Barty?”

Daimbert: “He’s fine, Admiral. Told me to tell you that he misses the old days!”

Columbus: “Oh, me too. We had great fun as boys. He was a prankster, Barty!”

Arthur: “You two knew each other as boys?”

Columbus: “Relatives, actually. From my mother’s side. His father was a Fontanarossa, like my mother. Later he changed his name to Finegrandi. His family shifted to Lisbon and then to Africa. I haven’t heard from him for quite some time now, although he writes now and then.”

Columbus suddenly remembered that he had to be at the deck to give a few orders. So he excused himself for a moment. When both Daimbert and Arthur were alone in the cabin, Arthur could no longer keep his curiosity to himself.

Arthur: “Your employer is more mysterious than I thought. How come he’s related to Columbus?”

Daimbert: “Oh, he’s related to a thousand people across the galaxy. He’s a trans-galactic being. He can be a part of anybody’s life whenever and wherever he wants. That’s no big deal for him. Remember, he can travel through Time.”

Arthur: “Could he be part of my life? I mean he could be, like, anybody. Maybe my Uncle Fitzgerald! I always thought he was odd!”

Daimbert: “Quite possible.”

Columbus entered the cabin with a flourish.

Columbus: “Eh? So are you from Africa as well?”

Daimbert: “No. My friend’s from England. I’m from Theta Cassiopeiae.”

Columbus: “Castor oil? Is it in Africa?

Daimbert: “It’s a pla…, Oh forget it. It’s in Africa, yes!”

Columbus: “I am about to discover a new route to the Indies. Soon!!”

Daimbert: “I really beg your pardon, Admiral. But I think you will not.”

Columbus: “I will not what?”

Daimbert: “Find a new route to the Indies. In fact you will never see the Indies ever in your lifetime.”

Columbus (surprised and very angry): “How dare you?! You mean to say I was a fool in getting this expedition commissioned?”

Arthur (to Daim): “Don’t you upset him! He can get us killed! (then to Columbus) What my friend here means that you are destined to find newer lands. Lands more important than a new route to the Indies. Lands, which will bring you fame and fortune, you have never imagined.”

Columbus calmed down. He looked at Arthur questioningly.

Columbus: “And why, my friend, do you think that I am not on my way to the Indies?”

Arthur: “Well, I….. you see…..! Daim?!”

Daimbert: “I’ll tell you, Admiral. You see, the real circumference of Earth is 40,000 kms. And the distance between the Canary Islands, that is from where you started and the coast of the Indies, a place called Japan is 19,600 kms…..”

Columbus (interrupting Ford): “But that distance is only 3000 miles!”

Daimbert: “….which would be 3700 kms. But you calculated all the distances wrongly!”

Columbus: “Did I? But I used the calculations of Marinus!”

Daimbert: “Marinus, old boy, was way out of his calculations. Not a very intelligent bloke, Marinus.”

Columbus: “So what will happen to my expedition? If I don’t find this new route, my Highnesses will surely have me hanged!”

Columbus looked sullen. All his pompousness was gone. He removed his hat and sat sulkily.

Daimbert: “Now, ol’ boy. Don’t get so depressed. You may not find the route to the Indies, but you will surely find the West Indies!” He chuckled at his own joke.

Columbus: “West Indies? And what may that be?”

Daimbert: “Europeans hold the mistaken opinion that the aquatic expanse between Europe and Asia is uninterrupted. In fact, there is a yet unexplored continent on the west! So all you have to do is to “discover” it, claim the lands for your Highnesses, get rich and enjoy!”

Columbus: “WHAT? Are you sure? And how do you know?”

Daimbert: “Admiral, sir, as I said it is not of your concern. All you need to know that this information is going to help you a lot. I am sorry you will have to lose this ship. But that’s ok. Go back to Spain. Get famous. Come back a year later with a few more ships, find newer lands and get more famous and more rich.”

Columbus looked at Daim with awe and surprise on his face.

Columbus: “I ….. you….. but…… it…..!”

Daimbert: “That’s fine, old chap. (looking at the “Clock”) Arthur, we need to be going. It’s kinda late. (it was 1:45 a.m. 12^th October) Be seeing you, Cap’n. Ta da and all the best. Come Vannes.”

Daim hurried out of the cabin with Arthur trailing behind.

Columbus: “Funny those two were. Now lets see what Barty’s sent me.”

He opened the small box Daim had given him. Inside it were small navigational instruments with instruction manuals. And a neatly folded satellite-imaged map of Earth! Columbus started studying the map with amazement and enthusiasm. The small wall clock in the cabin chimed twice and from the Crow’s Nest high up on the Santa Maria came Rodrigo’s high pitched voice.

“LAND AHOY!!”

ARTIFICIAL REALITY

2011-02-08T20:26:00.000+05:30

Susan: “Dorian, have you ever had this experience that you are no longer yourself but connected to a lot many other things around you?”

Dorian: “I think I know what you’re talking about. Go on.”

Susan: “It’s like you are not only you but a lot many other things. Not all at the same time, but some things at some times. Are you with me or am I way ahead?”

Dorian: “No, No! I am with you. I’m getting you. Please continue.”

Susan: “I know many people would and do find this odd. In fact, my brother has even labeled me a psychopath, but….!”

Dorian (reassuringly): “Susan, darling, I’ve seen and experienced worse things. Please tell me.”

Susan: “ Okay! (sighs) Its like this. One fine morning….., its always a fine morning!! (laughs, stops, giggles. Then seriously) One morning, I got up with a slight headache. You know this type of headache. It’s not sharp, just a sore niggle. Doesn’t let you feel good. Especially not so early in the morning. So I get up from the bed and look out of the window. There’s this beautiful tree just outside my window! There was a small bird sitting high up on one of its branches. It was chirping away merrily and welcoming the day. On any other occasion, I would have enjoyed the sight. But not with that headache!! So I shooed it away! And guess what, my headache suddenly disappeared!! Coincidence? I thought so as well. Ok, I went downstairs, washed and was about to begin breakfast when I started experiencing the most intense pain in the back, as if someone was kicking me. I was dumbfounded, didn’t know what to do. I reached for the First Aid box and fumbled for the Paracetamol. As I was doing so, I heard the yelping of a dog I knew loitered in the neighborhood. I looked outside the window to find that Robbie, that brat of a boy, was kicking the dog. I shouted at Robbie. He gave me a mean look and ran away. And suddenly my back pain was gone!! Coincidence, again??

Dorian: “Okay!! I get the gist of it. Any more such experiences?”

Susan: “From that day onwards, I’ve felt a lot of emotions when I am not in a state of experiencing them. Like the other day, I was so bloody upset ‘cos the drycleaner ruined my favorite dress; but in a moment or two I was experiencing profound happiness at something I don’t even know about!! Sometimes it is mental, sometimes it’s physical. What do you have to say about it, Dorian?”

Dorian looked up at Susan. Here was a girl who was so ravishingly beautiful and who was the object of his attention and affection, and was suffering from God only knew what!! Dorian had never been in love before. Infatuated, yes, but never in love. But the day he saw her in her brother’s car when he hitched a hike after returning from his sojourn across the galaxy, he knew she was special, that she was the one. He saw her again a few days later, when she was on her way to Taunton. They had a brief chat in the Bar at the Railway Station but were unable to gain a moment of peace due to the untimely intrusion of the old lady who was hell bent on selling them Raffle tickets (“Its’ for Gertie, you know. She’s retiring and we would like to gift her a kidney machine!”). She gave him her ‘phone number, which he lost and after weeks of frustration went to London where he luckily found her. They were now sitting in a lonely patch of grass in Hyde Park. She said that there was something wrong with her and asked him to guess what was it. He had mentioned almost all the parts of her body, at least all those that can be mentioned at the first serious meeting between a man and a woman he has fallen for!

Susan had experienced it. He must tell her. She would be shocked, of course, but she needs to be told.

Dorian: “You see, Susan, the world as we know it is nothing like we know how it is!”

Susan: “Well…..?”

Dorian: “I’m not sure how you’ll take this but things are a bit more complex than we think they are.”

Susan: “Can you be a more precise here, Dorian? I’m lost!”

Dorian: “Well, here goes, then! I’ve been doing some calculations and I’ve come to the conclusion that the Earth is actually a fish bowl!!”

Susan: “Dorian, I thought I was the one who was crazy here!!”

Dorian: “No, look. I’ll explain. I’ve taken into account lot of things; background cosmic radiation, microwave radiations emitted by Alpha Centauri, our nearest star; the average height of the Himalayas; pressure of the atmosphere; pitch of the sound emitted by blue whales and voila!!”

Susan: “Dorian, are you joking??”

Dorian: “Not at all, darling! You know what I think? I think that the Earth is a fishbowl kept in a room. Our revered Sun, the star Sol, is a lamp and the moon, our dear old Luna, is a silver plate kept on a table which reflects the light of Sol, the lamp!!”

Susan: “And the stars and the other planets?”

Dorian: “Oh! They are all this and that! But the point is that we are part of a fishbowl! Have you realized why God did not give us much land to live on? For His sake, it’s all water down here!! There are more creatures living in water than there are on the land! Oh! And another thing. The whole mystery is in the crosswords!!”

Susan: “Crosswords!! Dorian, are you feeling all right, dear? Do you want to go home? Maybe a drink will help you calm?!”

Dorian: “I’m absolutely fine. Now listen to me. All the Crosswords in all the Sundays of the world are the link to the existence of the One. God, Creator, you name Him!! You solve all the Crosswords using the cryptic clues and use the Fourier Transform and what do you have? The answer to the most famous question of all times! WHO IS GOD?? And, of course, where is he!”

Susan: “Ok. So if I hazard for one moment that what you say is true, then the people who set the Crosswords know about God?”

Dorian: “Absolutely not!! You see the people who set Crosswords for Sundays do not work for the paper!!”

Susan: “I’m lost! Again!!”

Dorian: “The guys who write Crosswords on weekdays do not write them on Sundays! Since the editor wants a challenging Crossword on Sunday; he’s paying money to the winners after all; he asks these guys to set a tough Crossword. And you know what, these guys get readymade Crosswords in their mails every Saturday at 10:35 a.m. They have absolutely no clue as to who sends them these Crosswords, but why should they care? The editors are happy and so are the readers. I phoned a few of my friends who work for major dailies and after a lot of cajoling and promises of a lot of rounds of drinks they confessed that they have been getting readymade Sunday Crosswords from their first days in office. And all of them reach their desks exactly on Saturday mornings at 10:35 sharp!! Isn’t that funny??”

Susan: “So the people who set the Sunday Crosswords know about God but not the poor people who set Crosswords for the dailies on weekdays!”

Dorian: “Yes and I think that not only do they know about God but they actually work for him!”

Susan: “Dorian, I’m feeling giddy.”

Dorian: “Let’s have a walk. The fresh air will soothe our nerves.”

They get up, holding hands and walk around the park. They see a man selling hot dogs. They buy two.

Susan: “I wonder how they designed such a wonderful fishbowl!”

Dorian: “It’s a replica!!”

Susan: “What! And where’s the original?”

Dorian: “Where it should be. In space.”

Susan: “You mean there’s a real Earth out there?”

Dorian: “Yes. But its waaaaaay out there!”

Susan: “What do you mean?”

Dorian: “I mean that I still haven’t figured out who owns the fishbowl or in whose house are we. But one thing’s for sure, we are not on the real Earth.”

Susan: “And how could you say so?”

Dorian: “Because I’ve seen the real Earth being demolished!! Or so I thought I saw!”

Susan: “WHAT??!”

Dorian: “Well I befriended a person called Deli Lansing. He was from a planet called Xiongye in some system far away from our part of the Galaxy. He told me that the Earth was going to be demolished by the Suprons to make way for a Hyperspace Expressway. And just before it was going to be demolished, we hitched a ride on the Supron spaceship, escaped and found our way through a lot of things, and time, on prehistoric Earth, the real one. When we were on the Supron spaceship, I saw the Earth blasted to smithereens by the Suprons. Well, later they realized that they shouldn’t have done that and that they got all the co-ordinates wrong and that they were supposed to demolish a planet called Samtron Alpha in the nearby Magellanic Cloud. But hell, do they care? No, they didn’t and they promptly led their ship to the Magellanic Cloud and blasted off Samtron Alpha much to the consternation of the local Gods who live on the star of the system. The Suprons told the local Gods to f**k off, or something to that effect in their language, and left.”

Susan: “This is all so crazy!!”

Dorian: “Yeah, I know. The local Gods lodged a protest with the All Galaxy Gods Union at their HQ within the star Crystonon, who furthered it at the All Star Convention later that week. A show-cause notice was dispatched to the Galaxy Municipal Council who denied any responsibility, quoting para 10 (alpha) ‘a’ subsection 5543 of the “Agreement” that all the Governments had reached stating that seven million eight hundred and thirty thousand, nine hundred and seventy six planets were to be demolished for this freeway and Samtron Alpha was one of them. And so the matter was quietly forgotten and the local Gods were left to fume.”

Susan: “But what about the Real Earth?”

Dorian: “Oh, it was demolished all right. But it had served out its purpose.”

Susan: “And that was……?”

Dorian: “It was a storehouse!”

Susan: “A storehouse?? For what?”

Dorian: “Used electrical appliances! Microwaves, washing machines, toasters, dishwashers, and the lot.”

Suasn: “And who used all these appliances?”

Dorian: “People of the planet Uranus!”

Susan: “There’s life on Uranus?!”

Dorian: “In the Solar System, there’s life only on Uranus!”

Susan: “But Uranus is a,…. is a,….!”

Dorian: “….is a hot gas giant with methane, etc., etc., isn’t it? Well, that’s what was told to us.”

Susan: “By whom?”

Dorian: “By the one owning the Fishbowl! Actually Uranus is the most gorgeously stunning planet you’ll ever see. We were taught to understand that there’s life only on Earth. But Earth is actually a storehouse, was rather. Yes, it was beautiful, the little blue planet and that is why its replica is!”

Susan: “So we evolved on the fishbowl??!”

Dorian: “There was no evolution on the fishbowl, darling. Where we evolved is still not known. But the human race is a very ancient one. But we are very gullible. We accept things too easily. How we came on Earth is still not known. Some say that our ancestors were beetles on a planet called, a little too aptly, Entomobeetos. How we evolved into our present form is not well understood, but I guess, our present form is a product of an experiment gone haywire. We were reduced by one millionth of a billionth of our original size and brought here to colonize the Fishbowl, which already had all the other members like all the different creatures that are around us. There is enough in this fishbowl to keep us happily busy “discovering” and “inventing” things for the next several million years, until the lamp goes out!”

Susan: “The lamp?? Oh, you mean the Sun! So what happens when it goes out?”

Dorian: “They’ll replace it, silly! You see, the people of Uranus are a very gentle race. But they have this strange affection for all things electrical. They use them by the hundreds in their homes. And whenever, a new model hits the markets, they put the old one into a space capsule, before rushing to the nearest electrical shop to own a new one. And when the capsule is full, they attach it to a rocket and send it hurtling towards Earth.”

Susan: “Which is now not there!”

Dorian: “Yes! It was overfull with appliances and so the Uranians thought of finding a new storehouse. They had just finalized Neptune when news of the Supron’s goof-up reached them. They were ecstatic to say the least though they took the news quite somberly.”

Susan: “So we have no Earth now?”

Dorian: “We never had any. This is all we have. A replica. A fishbowl.”

Susan: “Oh, Dorian, I feel so bad. It’s like realizing that you are just a puppet in the whole scheme of things. But how could you escape from this fishbowl?”

Dorian: “I told you about Deli, didn’t I? He’s a very resourceful person. He found a way to enter the fishbowl. He was doing his job. He works with the Intergalactic Publishing House, which wants to bring out a comprehensive guide to the Universe. So he was sent here, that is, on the planet where the fishbowl is. He found the fishbowl, entered it and was busy taking notes when he saw me in a pub. He kind of liked me and we started chatting. He told me what he had seen. Initially I thought that he has had a couple of drinks more than he could have handled, but he appeared quite sober. He got the news that the Real Earth was to be demolished. So he took this opportunity to take me with him and just before the Suprons were demolishing the planet, we materialized inside it and I saw all the fireworks from inside the ship.”

Susan: “So he told you where our fishbowl is?”

Dorian: “Yes, we are on the Moon, the real one!!”

Susan: “This is getting crazier. And where exactly on the moon?”

Dorian: “We are in a house built on the far side of the moon. The house was built by a rich Uranian called Rog Rampun, the Obnoxiously Rich. He built it as a summer residence for himself and his favorite mistress, Temptressa Gollingotts. They used to spend some lovely nights here; there are no days here. Rog died and his heirs squandered his wealth. Nobody bothered to acquire this place. Until one day…….!”

Susan: “It was acquired by the person who owns the fishbowl??!”

Dorian: “Exactly! But as to who the person is, nobody knows. He did not have a past and certainly no future. Imagine living your life in a penthouse on the far side of the moon which travels around a storehouse!! Some believe that he was a wealthy philanthropist originally from a planet called Broggadio around the star called Xarsia in the western arm of the Galaxy, others believe that he was a space pirate who spent all his good years looting commercial ships carrying goods from one planet to the other. He was caught a countless number of times by the Space Patrol but he had friends in high places and was soon released. He amassed unimaginable wealth, invested everything into the Milky Way Stock Market, bought this place and is spending the rest of his life in peace and happiness.”

Dorian: “Sorry, Dorian. But it’s your turn to get surprised. Actually, He is not a He but a She!”

Dorian: “WHAT!! How do you,…… How could you, …..How did you?!!”

Susan: “Dorian, you know a lot many things more than I thought you did. But I’ve been doing my own research. I haven’t traveled out of this fishbowl as you have but I started doubting the real nature of this world long back. In fact a couple of days more and I would have come to the same conclusion that the Earth we live on is actually a fishbowl.”

Dorian: “Susan…….?!”

Susan: “Yes, Dorian, I came across a strange and baffling signal coming from the western night sky. I have this ham radio and I love searching for signals. We have a group of operators across the world. Ok, so I got this strange signal and I tried to check on it. It was nothing ever seen or heard before. So I spread the word amongst my fellow ham radio operators. We tried to locate the source and we found that it came from way beyond the last reaches of the known galaxy. This was surprising because the signal was so strong. I decided to do my research on my own, lest I stumble upon something utterly horrifying. And after months of frustration I finally found out that the signal could have come only from a snapped cable wire. You know, the wire that brings cable connections to our TVs. Now this was even more surprising. I tried to decipher the signal using Earth decoders but it was all a jumble. Finally I had this decoder made by my friend who is a scientist with CalTech. And when I attached it to my television set, I saw the most amazing TV program ever!!”

Dorian: “You mean you saw what the person sitting in this house was seeing?”

Susan: “Yes. I saw a Cookery Show!! They made a remarkable dish with things like Squorns and Teddlies and something green called Lassasi.”

Dorian: “But what made you think that He is a She and not a He?”

Susan: “Because I’ve been watching HER TV shows for 6 months now and I know when a man is watching television and when a woman is!!”

Dorian: “You mean no sexy movies, no Girl’s Shows?”

Susan: “There are other ways, Dorian!”

Dorian: “OKAY! So who is this SHE, anyways?”

Susan: “Her name is Zany Outrageosy. She was the most eccentric prostitute in the whole of the Galaxy and very beautiful as well. She has had raging affairs with men of power and now in the twilight of her career, sees only her oldest clients who come all the way to the moon to spend a night or two of nostalgia. The rest of the time she watches TV, moves around in her Rover Buggy and shops on the EtherNet with her Galaxy Express credit card, a gift from one of her many fans. This penthouse was gifted to her by one of the many sons of Rog Rampun who himself was a regular of Zany.

Dorian: “Rog…?”

Susan: “No, no. The son.”

Dorian: “Oh! Ok.”

Susan: “What about the Crosswords? Where did you hear about it?”

Dorian: “Oh, we met a man named Zimpi. It’s a long story but he was given a shot of the Truth Serum and he came out with so much truth that he was quarantined in the Court Building and a huge stonewall was erected around the entire building. We rescued him, the poor guy. He found everything so bloody amusing that he could not stop laughing. He told me about the Crosswords just before he died.”

Susan: “It all seems so well planned. I guess what that genius scientist guy with the messy hairstyle said about God not playing dice must be true!”

Dorian: “Oh, yeah! God does not play dice, he loves Crosswords!! And he should have known. I’ve heard that he worked as a butler for God, before he broke some fine china and was sent to live with us.”

They both laugh heartily.

Susan: “Dorian, I’m starving. Let’s have dinner.”

Dorian: “Sure.”

They get up from the park bench they are sitting on and find the nearest good-looking restaurant. To Dorian’s utter dismay, it was named “Gertie’s!” They order dinner.

Susan: “It’s a nice fishbowl, this.”

Dorian: “Oh, beautiful. A perfect replica! It was made by a man called Krukofos, the Eccentric. Who commissioned it is still not clearly known. Krukofos was the most brilliant sculptor in the Galaxy and he has made remarkable replicas of some worlds. He loved Earth, the real one, when he saw it and immediately agreed to make a perfect replica of it, of course, for a hefty price! He then gave it to the man who had asked him to make it in the first place who then got our ancestors from Entomobeetos. He loved beetles actually and he wanted to keep them in this fishbowl. But our ancestor beetles accidentally became part of an experiment and mutated into humanoids. The experiment was conducted by the son of the man who was given the job of transporting the beetles from Entomobeetos to the man with the fishbowl. This overzealous son was running short of guinea pigs and so he surreptitiously took the beetles which were happily munching on some flies in the box and the rest was, well, disaster! When the box was opened, out came our ancestors climbing out of the box and looking absolutely dumbstruck. So they were quietly picked up and placed in the fishbowl in which they have become “civilized” and “intelligent.” The man was a tad disappointed in not getting the beetles but he spent his days happily seeing the humans, us, discover something new everyday.”

Susan: “So what happened to him?”

Dorian: “Nobody knows. Nobody knows how the fishbowl came into the possession of Rog Rampun and finally Zany.”

They finish dinner. They leave. They walk hand in hand towards Susan’s house.

Susan: “So have you solved the Crosswords yet?”

Dorian: “Oh, no. It’s not easy to procure all the Sunday papers of the world, is it? But I’m trying. I’m also working on my Fourier Transform, you see. I was pretty bad at mathematics.”

Susan: “Who do you think God is?”

Dorian: “One thing’s for sure. He’s definitely not the President of the All Gods Union. He is much higher than that. He has many deputies working for Him. Like the Man Who Runs The Universe!”

Susan: “What?”

Dorian: “Oh, yes. We met him, all right! He is an old shaggy man who lives in a shack with a gray cat on a lonely planet called Sligromominemisiton somewhere in the Castalista system and keeps doing absurd things. He is visited once a day by a spaceship carrying three men in dark black suits, ties and shades. They carry a small briefcase loaded with papers. They get it signed from the Man Who Runs The Universe, chat with him for some time, and inquire about his cat and leave. Those papers govern the way the Universe is run.”

Susan: “Strange people God has working for Him.”

Dorian: “Oh, that is nothing. You should see the Rain God!! The bloody bugger doesn’t even know that he is a God and keeps on complaining about the incessant rains wherever he goes!! Or the Wind God who is bald but still wants to wear a wig and can’t keep it on his head, because it keeps on flying away in the winds that constantly accompany him! God really has a sense of humor!”

They reach Susan’s house.

Dorian: “So, can I take you out tomorrow? We can chat some more.”

Susan: “Ok. (pause, an uneasy one) Wouldn’t you like to come inside? For a drink?”

Dorian: “Well, sure. If you say so.”

Susan: (laughing) “And the Galaxy?”

Dorian: “It can go for a spin!!”

(END)

I am Back!........or am I?

2011-02-08T20:04:00.000+05:30

People, I am back!
I am not sure how many of you read my earlier posts or how many of you are actually reading this. It was a long hiatus. Lot of things changed. I resigned from a lazy and uninspiring job and have started my own business in my hometown. It feels good to be back home and doing something that you really enjoy. I am sure many of my ex-colleagues will shudder on hearing that I am selling gelato after resigning from a well paying job with highly flexible work timings. But what the f***. I am enjoying myself. I make gelato, I serve gelato and I earn as well! Plus, I am my own boss. Heck, it's MY business!
I need to thank a very dear friend for giving me the inspiration to write again. She is an avid blogger and writes really good stuff. If you are reading this, please check out her blog as well. Its zahrainc.blogspot.com.
Hope to share lot of things with you PLUS my old stories.
Thanks. See you soon!