It had been a beautiful day. Arthur Vannes had just arrived home from London, where he had spent the day with the gorgeous Miri; Admiranda, she had insisted on being called (“That’s my real name!”). They had roamed around in Hyde Park, had dinner in a restaurant called “Agu’s” and then had gone to Miri’s house where they had a drink and some romance. Arthur was able to catch the last bus home. He lay on the couch idly switching channels on the TV and thinking only of Miri.
A news telecast caught his attention. The reporter was talking about a UFO sighting somewhere downtown. “…reports are still pouring in. A senior citizen named Mr. Clyde Walcott was returning home from the bar when he heard an unusual screeching sound as if a huge vehicle was applying brakes. This was accompanied by lot of unusually colored lights and suddenly from behind a row of trees lining the neighborhood rose a gigantic spaceship which hovered around for a while, as if deciding what to do next and suddenly vanished as if it suddenly remembered that it had left the lights in the porch on!!”
UFO! That usually spells trouble.
Rrrriiiing!! The doorbell.
‘Who the bloody……,’ thought Arthur.
He opened the door.
Drenched to the skin and wearing Bermuda shorts and a military officer’s jacket and a hat stood Daimbert Fourcaut, smiling!
Arthur: “Daim?!?!? How the…? Where had you….? How did you…….?”
Daimbert: “All in good time, my boy! Wouldn’t you let a tired hitchhiker in first?”
Arthur: “Oh, I’m sorry. Do come in.”
Daimbert: “Nice place you’ve got here, Vannes. Its peaceful.”
Arthur: “Thanks. But where were you all these days?”
Daimbert threw his satchel carelessly on the table and himself on the sofa which creaked angrily at his inconsiderate manner.
Daimbert: “Well, I left you with the guy, Deli. I suddenly remembered that I hadn’t been to a party for a long time. And I had to have a good time. We had spent quite a few strenuous days, you see. So I hitched a ride on Blargasoluman’s spaceship. You remember him? The guy with four hands we met when we visited the planet Ertaut?”
Arthur: “Oh, yeah! I remember him all right! The ass….!”
Daimbert: “Tch, tch, my dear Arthur. To err is human, I mean, humanoid; to forgive is …… what was that?! Anyways, I think the man was in his rights when he stopped you from entering Martha’s Floating Pub. It was reserved for highly bizarre life forms. I know you qualify for being bizarre, but not highly!”
Arthur: “He shouldn’t have hit me though!”
Daimbert: “Yeah, and definitely not with that monkey!!”
Daimbert is in a fit of laughter. He stops.
Daimbert: “Look, I’m sorry, ok. Now, I have a galaxy-deadening headache. Can you get me a steaming hot cup of black coffee?”
Arthur: “Ok.” He left the room. After a while, he emerged with a cup of hot, black coffee. He saw Daimbert rummaging in his satchel.
Arthur: “Here. Your coffee.”
Daimbert: “Thanks. Got a few dry clothes?”
Arthur: “Sure. I’ll find something for you.” He went upstairs and got a few clothes for Daimbert.
Daimbert: “Thanks, my boy. You are a life-saver.”
Arthur: “So, tell me. Where did you go in that bugger’s spaceship?”
Daimbert: “To the bestest party ever!! It’s called the Never-Ending Party! Nobody knows when it started and I’ll be damned if it ever ends!! It’s on a planet called Whoopitupos in the Grooveit System. Legend has it that the inhabitants of the planet were a very miserable people. They were pathetically sad and depressed. In fact, their planet was called Gloomos before. Until one day when Krinchun, the Eternally Happy arrived!
Arthur: “You mean Krinchun, the Event Manager?”
Daimbert: “Yes. Actually Krinchun never wished to come on Gloomos but he had to crash land on it since there was a malfunction in his ship’s system. When he came out of his ship, he saw the inhabitants of Gloomos gathered around his ship looking at it and him with a sad, dejected look on their faces. Krinchun asked them why they were so low. The ten Chiefs said they didn’t know. They had been like this for ages. Nobody knew why. So Krinchun decided to spice up their wretched lives. He took the Chiefs into confidence and with the help of other locals organized the grandest party in the galaxy. The party began and initially the locals were wary of this seemingly unnatural phenomenon but gradually started enjoying it. The music was obviously out of their world because the DJ was! Soon word spread to the surrounding planets and party animals from the neighboring planets started pouring in. Booze from across the galaxy reached Gloomos. But since there was no gloom and despondency, Krinchun suggested to the Chiefs that they should change the name of their planet. The Chiefs did not like this idea and Krinchun exclaimed, “C’mon guys, Whoop it up!!” The Chiefs liked the idea and they changed the name of their planet to Whoopitupos, by a vote of nine for and one against.
Arthur: “One against?”
Daimbert: “Yeah! One Chief wanted to rename the planet Serragaderraflimpoturos!! Nobody heard of that Chief from that day onwards and the total number of Chiefs has remained nine since that day.”
Arthur: “Bad choice! So what happened to you there?”
Daimbert: “Oh! I met some old friends, had a couple of drinks, hitched a ride, traveled to a few planets, stopped a couple of revolutions, was made king of one, spent a couple of years with a hermit, had a roaring affair with the most stunningly beautiful girl in the galaxy, was ditched for a hobo, was caught by the Space Patrol, released on bail paid by the people of the planet I was made king of, hitched a ride and came here!”
Arthur: “WOW!! Some time you had!”
Suddenly the entire room is illuminated as if the sun was eavesdropping. There is a screeching sound as if a huge vehicle is applying brakes.
Daimbert: “C’mon. Pack your satchel. They have come.”
Arthur (utterly confused): “Who has?”
Daimbert: “Our ship. We are going for a little trip.”
Arthur knew better than to ask questions to Daim. There would be lot of time to do that. He hurried to his room, stuffed a few things in his satchel, sent a quick voice message to Miri that he would be out of the country for a week and came running downstairs. The front door was already open and Daim was busy shouting to somebody in the spaceship which stood hovering a few feet from the ground. A metal ladder came down. Daimbert caught hold of it and started climbing. Arthur followed suit.
The spaceship was a regular Pretsul Class D Transporter. On the bridge sat the Captain, a Hagron Commander. When Arthur entered the bridge he was shocked to see Daim having a heated argument with him. Arthur ran up to them and tried to calm the situation. He was cut sharply by Daim.
Daimbert: “What do you think you are doing? You want to get us both killed or what?”
Arthur: “Well, that’s not the way to talk to somebody who has given you an interplanetary hike. Show some courtesy!”
Daimbert: “That is bloody exactly what I’m doing! Don’t you see he is a Hagron? You show courtesy to a Hagron only when you swear at him and use all the f***ing expletives in the galaxy. You shout at him. That is how you show courtesy to him.”
Daimbert continued “showing courtesy” to the Hagron. The Hagron seemed to enjoy it. And when he spoke, Arthur thought that a bomb had exploded nearby. He barely managed to hold on to the railings to stop him from falling. The Hagron spoke for, what Arthur thought was eternity. Daimbert took Arthur by the hand and they came out of the bridge. They walked the length of the corridor without speaking a word. They came to a door, which Daimbert opened with one of the many keys he had. They entered a room. Daimbert shut the door behind them.
Daimbert: “Uses up so much energy, these conversations!”
Arthur: “Strange! These Hagrons!”
Daimbert: “Anyways, a little discomfort is acceptable. Let us rest for a while, my friend. We’ve got a lot of work to do!”
Arthur: “But, where are we going?”
Daimbert: “To run a few errands.”
Arthur: “For whom?”
Daimbert: “That, my friend, is absolutely not of your concern at the present moment of time. Now, if you will excuse me, I’ll get something for us to eat. Meanwhile you may read all about Hagrons in those books.”
Daimbert left for the kitchen leaving Arthur in the room. The room was sufficiently large for two people and had everything for a comfortable couple of nights stay except for the oddly shaped beds. On one wall was a cabinet filled with lot of books. Arthur saw the titles of them and found them a bit amusing. “Hagrons at Work,” “Hagrons at Home,” “Hagrons at War,” “When Hagrons Write,” “The Fate of the Hagrons and the Future of the Galaxy.” Arthur picked up “When Hagrons Write” and was flabbergasted at the despicable language used in what was hailed as the finest piece of Hagron Literature. He kept the book where it had been and picked up “The History of the Hagrons.” “The Hagrons, it said, are an ancient tribe of tradesmen who are the best transporters of life and things from one part of the Galaxy to the other. They are the species of choice for this job due to their near-perfect navigational skills and queer cultural ways, that is, their idea of showing courtesy is by swearing at other people and shouting with the crudest language possible. They are inhabitants of the planet called Hagromonos in the Simialista system. These ape-like creatures are known throughout the Galaxy for their brute strength and unfailing honesty to their commerce.” Arthur put the book down and lay on the bed looking at the ceiling, which was painted a striking shade of pink.
Daimbert entered carrying a large tray filled with plenty of indescribable Hagron delicacies. He lay it on the table and started munching merrily. Arthur, seeing that Daimbert was still alive and in his senses, concluded that the food was certainly eatable if not palatable and took a tentative bite. The food was warm and surprisingly delicious. They both ate hungrily.
Daimbert: “The best cooks in the Galaxy!!”
Arthur: “Hagrons?”
Daimbert: “No, Ventrians.”
Arthur: “And who are they?”
Daimbert: “The best cooks in the Galaxy!”
Arthur (irritated): “I heard that the first time. I mean, Oh, never mind.”
Daimbert removed a small bottle from his satchel. He picked up two small glasses from the table and poured a few drops in each one. He then filled the glasses with water. He held one in his hand and offered the other to Arthur.
Arthur: “And what, may I ask, is this?”
Daimbert: “Yes you may!”
Arthur: “Ok. So what is it?”
Daimbert: “The most excellent alcoholic beverage in the entire galaxy! It’s called Fisgee.”
Daimbert gulped down the entire contents of the glass in a gulp. Many emotions passed his face in the next few moments and then he was Daim again.
Daimbert: “Go on!”
Arthur put the glass to his mouth and took a nervous gulp. He felt a very strange sensation at the back of his neck. He took a large swig and finished of his drink.
Daimbert: “So, how was it?”
Arthur: “Great! Some more, please?”
Daimbert: “Sorry, my boy, but one more drink and you will have a hangover for the next forty five days. This is potent stuff, you see. Now lets get some sleep. We have work to do.”
Daimbert spread himself on the oddly-shaped bed and within a few moments was snoring away. Arthur lay on the bed looking at the ceiling and thinking about Miri. He was thinking of the new adventure in which Daim was going to put him in. He wondered if he had been a bit over enthusiastic in coming along with Daim. Past experience had shown that troubles follow Daimbert Fourcaut. When he was overcome by sleep, he did not remember. All he could recall was the strange dream where he and Miri were walking hand-in-hand in Hyde Park and suddenly Miri changed into Daim who said, “I love you, Arthur!” and then started laughing maniacally before changing back to Miri. He was woken by Daim who had shaved and washed and was ready for a new adventure.
Daimbert: “C’mon, lazy bones. Get up and get ready. We are nearing the vortex and I don’t want to be late by a year!”
Arthur was still under the influence of sleep and Fisgee and his entire system retorted at the idea of full consciousness.
Arthur: “Whuzz? Fuw…? Sizz?”
Daimbert: “Get up. Go and wash yourself. And be at the bridge in exactly fifteen minutes. I’ll see you there.”
Daimbert left leaving Arthur awfully bewildered. But Arthur knew that with Daimbert, you have to be prepared for eccentricities. He got up, washed and changed into a jeans and a comfortable cotton shirt. He picked up his satchel and made his way to the bridge. He entered the bridge and saw Daimbert “showing courtesy” to the Hagron commander and from the looks of it he was genuinely pleased with the fact that the Hagron had agreed to give them a hike.
Daimbert: “Ah! Here you come! Arthur, please thank the good commander before we leave.”
Now, this was a very precarious situation for Arthur. He had always been somebody who had loved staying out of troubles and so his dictionary of expletives and invectives was vastly limited. He tried desperately to summon up a few to “thank” the Hagron. He suddenly recalled the day when he had just landed on Earth after his galactic expedition and was trundling towards home not realizing that he was walking in the middle of the road and a man in a mean looking van had honked from behind and had sworn at him. He thanked the man.
Arthur: “Ummm, well, thank you, you blood-sucking *$@#, you son-of-a-$%!@#. Your hospitality was *@#$*! So long!” Daim seemed very pleased.
Daimbert: “That’s better. Now come, we’ve got to move fast.”
Daimbert took Arthur near a small capsule-like cabinet, which was made of Titanium and had a small glass viewing port. They entered it and it locked automatically. There was only enough space in it for them to stand, albeit a bit uncomfortably and also a tad embarrassingly. There was a small red bulb on top. As soon as it flashed, Daim threw a menacing looking black switch. Arthur felt as if the floor beneath had suddenly disappeared and that a gigantic invisible hand was crushing him. After a few painful moments, he suddenly started feeling weightless. All he could see was darkness all around. And then all of a sudden his feet touched solid ground. He lost his balance and tumbled. When he opened his eyes, he was in a field. He looked around to see Daim already up and dusting himself.
Arthur: “Where are we?”
Daimbert: “On Earth.”
Arthur: “I can see that. But what place is it?”
Daimbert: “Your country. His Majesty’s Land.”
Arthur: “Shouldn’t you be saying Her Majesty’s Land?”
Daimbert: “Her Majesty hasn’t been born yet! (taking out an object, the size of a small note pad, looking into it) His Majesty Charles II is king. This is 1677!”
Arthur: “WHAT!! We’ve time-traveled?”
Daimbert: “Yes, my boy. That is exactly what we’ve done.”
Arthur: “Oh! Ok, so what do we do now?”
Daimbert (showing a neatly wrapped box to Arthur): “We deliver this to a gentleman living there.”
Daimbert was pointing towards a large house.
Arthur: “Who lives here?”
Daimbert: “This is Woolsthorpe Manor and the owner of this place is……… Sir Isaac Newton!”
Arthur looked at Daimbert with a befuddled look on his face.
Daimbert: “Close your mouth, my friend. Let’s go and meet Sir Isaac.”
They started walking towards the stately mansion.
Daimbert: “This place is called Woolsthorpe-by-Colsterworth. It’s in the Lincolnshire county. And one more thing, Newton hasn’t been knighted as yet. It is still some time when he’ll be conferred knighthood. Charming ol’ Anne will knight him some thirty years from now. So please call him Master Isaac. He has a terrible temper. Humor him, will you! And oh, one last point. Let things be, don’t fiddle with history!”
Arthur looked around. Huge elm trees surrounded the manor. The lawn was manicured and exotic flowers were tended to by a host of gardeners. The milieu was enchanting, to say the least. They reached the front door. Ford pulled the bell-rope. The door was opened by a friendly-looking middle-aged butler.
Daimbert: “Oh! Hello Thomas, old chap. How’s life?”
Thomas: “Master Daimbert! It is a pleasure to see you again. How are you?”
Daimbert: “I’m fine, I’m fine. This and that.”
Thomas: “Please do come in and make yourselves comfortable. (looking at Arthur) And who might the gentleman be?”
Daimbert: “Oh, he’s a friend. Arthur Vannes. From Worcestershire.”
Arthur threw a sharp look at Daim and saw Daim wink slightly at him. They entered the huge hall. Arthur couldn’t help feeling belittled in that enormous demonstration of wealth and royalty.
Thomas: “Very well, sires. Please be seated. I’ll arrange for some refreshments.”
Daimbert: “We haven’t got the time to enjoy your hospitality, Thomas, old boy. If we can meet Master Isaac….?”
Thomas: “I’m afraid, you’ll have to wait, sires. Master Isaac has gone to the fields. I have absolutely no idea when he will return.”
Daimbert: “Bloody zonkers! Anyways, can you give this to him along with my best regards?”
Daimbert removed the box from his satchel and handed over to Thomas.
Thomas: “Gladly, Master Daimbert. If only you could wait for a little while. I’m sure Master Isaac must be returning soon. It’s close to dinner time.”
Daimbert: “I’d love to, old fella, I’d love to. Always a pleasure, dining with the great man. But I’m in a hurry. We both are, actually.”
Thomas: “Oh, ok, then. As you wish, Master Daimbert.”
Daimbert: “Ta da, then Thomas, old friend. See you sometime soon. Oh! Before we leave, can I use the bathroom. This traveling gets on my system, you see.”
Thomas: “Certainly, Master Daimbert. You know the way. I’ll get Master Vannes something to drink till then.”
Daimbert (to Arthur, in a whisper): “Finish your drink quietly. Don’t do anything suspicious. Don’t ask too many questions. I’ll be right with you.”
Daimbert left the room along with Thomas. Arthur was all alone in the room. He looked around. The room was tastefully decorated. Huge paintings of some highly important personages adored the walls. The curtains and drapery was exquisite. And there hung an enormous chandelier from the ceiling. Arthur turned around to face the door just in time to see a man entering through the front door. He had a dazed look on his face and he was rubbing the back of his head with his right hand. He was holding a half-eaten apple in his left hand. Just then Thomas arrived with the drink.
Thomas: “Ah! Master Isaac! What is the matter, sire?”
So, this was the Isaac Newton, thought Arthur. Well, he looked very much a common man. Long hair, untied; unkempt dress, long, sallow face. Arthur wondered whether he really was the master of the estate.
Newton: “Wha……? Well……, ummm….., What did you ask, Thomas?”
Thomas: “Is everything all right, Master?”
Newton (not addressing to anybody in particular): “A very interesting phenomenon occurred to me. I was sitting beneath this apple tree gazing at the heavens and thinking about some complex form of mathematics I am trying to devise, when all of a sudden, this blasted apple falls and hits me right on the skull.”
Thomas: “Good lord! Is it paining, master? I’ll get the hot water bag.”
Newton: “No. No, Thomas. That wouldn’t be needed. But you see. Ever since, I’ve been wondering why the God-forsaken thing had to fall down when I was so close to discovering something so important?”
Arthur (unable to contain his excitement): “Were you discovering the Calculus?”
Newton (looking at Arthur for the first time): “The Calculus? What a strange name! Actually I was thinking about naming it Newtonian Mathematocringulastisphingotimulus! How’s that?”
Thomas: “Absolute genius!”
Arthur: “Genius, my foot! Absolute crap!”
Newton (a bit offended): “Beg your pardon, sire! And what do you know about it?”
Arthur: “Well, I…..umm….., it’s…… I’ve studied it!!”
Newton: “But I haven’t completely discovered it!”
Arthur: “Well, yeah, right. But wouldn’t that be a discouraging name? Cringles and all!”
Newton: “On second thoughts Calculus does seem a good name. Thank you, sire. (looking at Thomas) So as I was saying, Thomas, this apple comes straight down from the tree and hits me on the head. Don’t you think it’s funny?”
Thomas: “Well, if you ask me, Master, I don’t sincerely think that it’s funny. Whatever goes up has to come down!”
Newton: “Yes, but why?”
Arthur: “Gravity!! Simple?”
Newton: “Beg your pardon, sire! Gravity? Never heard of the thing!”
Arthur (surprised): “You coined the term. From the latin ‘gravitas!’”
Newton (utterly confused): “Did I? When?”
Arthur: “In your book ‘The Principia!”
Newton: “My book? Excuse me, sire, but I have written no such book.”
Arthur: “You have!! Universal Gravitation, Three Laws of Motion!! It is all there.”
Newton: “Laws of Motion? Gravitation? Where did you come across these terms?”
Arthur: “Oh! In your book called ‘Philosophie Natural, something. I don’t quite remember the name. You like long confusing names, don’t you?”
Newton (self-importantly): “Well, it should convey the meaning, shouldn’t it?”
Arthur: “Well, whatever you say!”
Newton: “But I quite like your idea. What did you say made the apple fall? Gravity, was it? (to himself) Amazing! Wow! Gravity, the force that pulls all down! (to Arthur) Thank you so much, sire. I must say that was great help.”
Arthur: “Oh! Don’t mention it. Ah Daim, here you come.”
Daimbert: “Master Isaac! (to Arthur, a bit worried) What happened? Why is Master Isaac soooo happy and all?”
Arthur (a little shamefacedly): “Well, it’s nothing. We were, umm, discussing the weather in Worcestershire. Weren’t we, Thomas?”
Thomas: “Beg your pardon, sire?”
Arthur: “Thank you Thomas. The drink was excellent. And Master Isaac, I think we should leave. Shouldn’t we, Daim.”
Newton: “Ah, yes. Genius, your friend is Mr. Fourcaut!”
Daimbert: “Is he?”
Arthur: “C’mon, Daim, we’re getting late.
Arthur caught him by the arm and started dragging him towards the door. Behind them they could here Newton excitedly asking Thomas to bring him some papers and a pen since he wanted to note down the ‘great idea’ before it vaporized from his mind.
Daimbert: “And what the bloody zooters were you doing there?”
Arthur: “Oh, nothing. Just reminding old Isaac what a great man he was!”
Daimbert: “Arthur Vannes! You are so miserably pathetic!”
Arthur: “Daimbert Fourcaut! You are so downright hopeless!”
They both break into delightful laughter. Tears roll down their eyes.
Arthur: “So, tell me Daim. What are you up to?”
Daimbert: “I’ve started a little freelancing enterprise.”
Arthur: “And what is that?”
Daimbert: “First let us find a place where we can have a drink.”
They started walking towards the village where they found a tavern. They found a corner table and ordered two ginger-ale. A grumpy bar girl gave them their drinks.
Daimbert: “You see I met this very rich and a bit shady man when I was living with this hermit I told you about. I was on a planet called Sugiron Six. I wanted a break. This happened to be the quietest planet in that part of the galaxy. I bumped into this intergalactic hermit. Called himself France. Strange name! He told me about some very fascinating things. He had traveled many times more than I had. I made him my Teacher and lived with him. He used to give a sermon every morning for a couple of hours which would be attended by around ten people. Then he used to meditate till evening. I got to learn a lot from him. One day he told me about this man who used to come to meet him every few months. He said if I would like to work for him, I would get good money and I would get a chance to travel to exotic places and meet interesting people. I agreed. I had had my break and was ready for some adventure. So the next time this guy came to see France, he introduced me to him. The man called himself a businessman. Said he delivered stuff to some pretty important people in history. He would pay me per delivery and there would be lot of fringe benefits, all non-taxable, of course!! So I’ve been delivering stuff to people all through history. I’ve delivered on Earth, Uranus, planets in Ursa Minor, Ursa Major, around Alpha Centauri, you name it!”
Arthur: “So who is this guy and what did you just deliver to Newton?”
Daimbert: “Who knows! He tells me to pick up stuff from some place, I do that, along with it is information as to who is the receiver, I get to enter the Time Vortex, I enter it, find the person and deliver. That’s it! I don’t care who is the businessman or what’s there in the boxes that I deliver. It’s as if the people whom I deliver the boxes are kind of expecting them. Strange! But what the heck! The money’s good. Tell you what. I’ve invested all my money through history. That is, I deposit my money in a bank in, say, 1677 and on my trip into, say, 2020, I withdraw it. Can you imagine how much my money has grown during that time?!”
Arthur: “Seems a good idea. Great idea, in fact! So how many have you made?”
Daimbert: “A fortune!! And part of it I’ve invested retrospectively in the Stock Markets of all major planets. I know which shares are going to rise and which are going to crash. So when the tide’s high, I sell, and when it’s low, I buy. That’s the advantage of Time Travel. Not many people can do it, you see.”
Arthur: “Neat! So this businessman of yours knows a secret or two!”
Daimbert: “Yeah! He’s secretive himself. I’ve heard rumors about him but nothing concrete. And frankly speaking, I don’t want to know. I work for him, right, and I wouldn’t want a bad impression.”
Arthur: “Yeah, but you could be involved in criminal activity!”
Daimbert: “Possible. But the case is too flaccid to take seriously. This is big squeeze. Spread all across history. I don’t think the Space Patrol has a Crimes Through History Department. They are running short of manpower, anyways. Plus my boss is too influential to get caught.”
Arthur: “Still, makes me worry.”
Daimbert: “You were never the one to take risks, Vannes. That’s why I brought you with me. Wanted to show you that money can be earned through various novel ways. All you need is a little bit of brains, a dash of far-sightedness, a pinch of adventurism and vőila!”
Daimbert looked into an object which looked like a small notepad.
Arthur: “What’s this you keep looking at?”
Daimbert: “This, my friend, is the latest in Time-travel. It’s called “The Clock!”
Arthur: “Not a terribly fascinating name for cutting-edge technology!”
Daimbert: “Keep the sarcasm with you, Vannes. As Will said, “What’s in a name?” Fine chap, Will. So as I was saying, this thing tells me the current date, time, delivery status, next delivery point, person, place, date, time. It also tells me where the next Time Vortex will be present. (the “Clock” started beeping angrily) And its telling me that the next Time Vortex is nearby. Come, hasten, my friend, we have to travel.”
Arthur: “Where are we going?”
Daimbert: “On the Santa Maria! To meet Chris!”
Arthur: “Chris, who?”
Daimbert: “Christopher Columbus!”
They hurriedly paid their bill and left the bargirl wondering whose photo was there on the piece of parchment the two odd fellows had given her. Daimbert kept on checking some signal on the “Clock.” He changed directions accordingly. After a mile’s walk, they came to the far side of the village.
Daimbert: “Ok, Arthur. I want you to stand over there. Yes, that’s it. Now don’t move. I’m going to send you through the vortex. I’ll be right behind you. Close your eyes. Ready?”
Arthur had a similar experience as before when they had left the Hagron’s spaceship. The world seemed to spin around him. It gained speed, until everything seemed blurred. A few seconds later, he tumbled on the wooden surface of the ship Santa Maria. Arthur got up and looked around in amazement at the legendary ship. It was not huge as compared to modern steamers and cruise ships but with the myth connected to it, it seemed gigantic. Seconds later, Daim materialized behind him with a dull ‘thwack!’
Daimbert: “I barely made it. Thought I was going to miss the vortex.”
Arthur: “This is…… wow!!”
Daimbert (looking around): “Yeah, if you say so. But look at the state of this junkyard! Miserable. And what was the fool thinking of? Circumnavigating the globe? In this piece of Blubberosaurus shit?”
Arthur: “You’ve met Columbus before?”
Daimbert: “Nope. First delivery. And hopefully, the last.”
Arthur: “What date is it?”
Daimbert (looking at the ‘Clock’): “Today is 11th October 1492. A day before they sighted land. San Salvador in the Bahamas.”
Arthur: “Wow! We are close to history being made. First European to see the New World!”
Daimbert: “Nah! Another guy named Leif Ericson discovered the New World some five hundred years back.”
Arthur: “Never heard of the guy.”
Daimbert: “Who cares? (pompously and a bit caustically) Let’s find the Admiral of the Ocean Sea!”
They walked towards the front end of the ship. All of a sudden four murderous looking seamen jumped in front of them. They were brandishing equally murderous looking shotguns in their hands. Arthur thought as if they had appeared on the sets of an old Hollywood pirate movie.
Before anyone could speak, Daimbert spoke in a calm and measured voice.
Daimbert: “We come in peace. Take us to your Captain.”
The sailors were surprised at this unexpected loss of apprehension and fretfulness on the part of the visitors. They looked warily at them and then looked at each other as if waiting for some command. Then the meanest looking sailor who seemed to be their leader spoke in a deep and throaty voice.
Sailor: “Who’r yoo? An’ what business do yoo ‘ave on me ship?”
Arthur: “Are you Mr. Columbus?”
Daimbert: “Shut up, Vannes. Let me handle this. (then to the sailor) Listen ol’ friend. We mean you or your ship no harm, whatsoever. We have peaceful business with your captain. Just take us to him and we will be gone in a jiffy. We wouldn’t want to spoil your land spotting, would we?”
Sailor (surprised): “Land spotting? ‘ow do yoo know we’s gonna spot land? We’s sailin’ like crazee for the past four moons. Admiral says, we’s on a mission. Mission to ‘elp the motherland. And I say he’s crazeeier than a dodo marooned on an island! (regaining some control. And eyeing both of them suspiciously) Land? Is it near? You came from it? We din’ see no boat of you’se? ‘ow did yoo get o’erboard?”
Daimbert: “Relax, ol’ chap. All in good time. Just take me to your man. I’ll tell you more.”
The sailor seemed confused. He didn’t know what to do. He looked at the other three. The other three were looking at him hopefully.
Sailor 2: “What do we do, Rodrigo? Methinks they should be thrown o’erboard!”
The other two grumbled positively in favour of Arthur and Daim being thrown and be done away with.
Sailor 1 (now Rodrigo): “NO! I theenk we’ll take ‘em to the Admiral. Let ‘im decide. (maliciously) We can always throw ‘em later!”
Arthur was already perspiring feverishly.
Daimbert: “My dear amigos! You will never realize how grateful we are for your kindness. But I assure you that once we’ve finished our business with Chris, I mean, the Admiral, we shall stay for not one moment on this God-forsaken ship of yours.”
Rodrigo (to the other sailors) : Carlos, Dias, Pedro! Tie ‘em up!”
The three sailors did as they were told, and happily so. They tied up Arthur and Daim and started taking them to the Captain’s cabin.
Rodrigo: “An’ no funnee business. Yoo unde’stand?”
Daimbert: “My dear Rodriguez! How inventive! But I guess you are not serious. It is highly unlikely for both of us to engage in any sort of business, leave alone funny, with our hands tied!”
Rodrigo: “Ok, smart ass! Moooove!!
They were both taken to the Captain’s cabin. Rodrigo rapped twice on the door. From inside came a gruff “C’min!” Rodrigo opened the door and shoved Arthur and Daimbert inside.
Columbus: “By the Blessed Virgin of Montserrat! Who are these two, Rodrigo? Stowaways?”
Rodrigo: “No, Admiral. I don’ theenk they are stowaways. We’s caught them prowling on the decks. They say we’s close to land. They’s must be from the land.”
Columbus: “LAND!! Where? Who? When? What? How? (then regaining control) Ah, well, ummmm. Rodrigo, you may go. I’ll talk to these two. Alone.”
Rodrigo went out mumbling incoherently. He was obviously not amused at the Captain’s orders. He shut the door of the cabin. After a couple of moments,
Columbus: “Hello, gentlemen. I am Cristóbal Colón. And who may you be?”
Arthur: “Where’s Columbus?”
Daimbert (sharply to Arthur): “He is standing right in front of you. Christopher Columbus is the anglicized name of Cristóbal Colón.”
Arthur: “Oh! I thought……!”
They both looked at Columbus. Standing before them was a man in his early forties. His hair was auburn, his face pale and chubby. He was on the stouter side. Arthur thought that if his hair was coloured silver and if he grew a moustache and a flowing beard, he would make a very realistic Santa Claus! He wore a sailor’s uniform with a large hat accentuating his title. He looked quite self-important.
Columbus: “You haven’t answered my question.”
Daimbert: “Oh, I beg your pardon, Viceroy, I mean, Admiral. But it is not every day that you get to meet people like you, sir!”
Columbus was obviously pleased with the remark. Daim had already guessed that with Columbus, flattery would take you very far.
Columbus: “Who are you two, where did you come from and what are you doing on my ship?”
Daimbert: “My name is Daimbert Fourcaut, he’s my friend Arthur Vannes. I have something to deliver to you.”
Columbus: “Deliver? To me? What? And where did you come from?
Daimbert: “That should not be of your concern Captain. But what should be of your concern is that if you want to take the delivery, then you should untie my hands first.”
Columbus (a bit circumspect): “And why should I trust you?”
Ford: “I bring regards from Bartiflappo Finegrandi!”
Columbus (surprised, happily): “Barty sent you?”
Arthur (to Daim in a whisper): “Who’s this Barty, now?”
Ford: “My employer. Pathetically strange name, isn’t it? (to Columbus) Oh yes, Captain.”
Columbus: “And you have something for me?”
Daimbert: “Exactly! If only you could untie my hands.”
Columbus: “Oh, surely (hurrying to untie their hands) I’m sorry. Rodrigo is a little too keen, you see. A little hare-brained.”
Daimbert: “Hey, no hard feelings. He was doing his job. (prophesizing) He will be a very important man for you, no doubt.”
Columbus: “Eh? Well, here we are. Please make yourselves comfortable. Tea?”
Daimbert: “Something strong, please? This shippy business is a shade disturbing for my system.”
Columbus: “Oh, sure. My bar’s well stocked.”
Columbus filled three glasses with “the best liquor in all of Genoa” and handed one each to Arthur and Daimbert.
Columbus (raising his glass): “To my Lords Isabella and Ferdinand!”
Daimbert: “To Bella and Ferdy! May they keep on funding your expeditions! (to himself) The bloody, lucky fools!”
Arthur: “To…….them!”
They clinked their glasses. Columbus finished his drink in one gulp. Daimbert contemplated over his drink while Arthur took a tentative sip.
Columbus: “Tell me, Señor Daimbert, how’s my old friend Barty?”
Daimbert: “He’s fine, Admiral. Told me to tell you that he misses the old days!”
Columbus: “Oh, me too. We had great fun as boys. He was a prankster, Barty!”
Arthur: “You two knew each other as boys?”
Columbus: “Relatives, actually. From my mother’s side. His father was a Fontanarossa, like my mother. Later he changed his name to Finegrandi. His family shifted to Lisbon and then to Africa. I haven’t heard from him for quite some time now, although he writes now and then.”
Columbus suddenly remembered that he had to be at the deck to give a few orders. So he excused himself for a moment. When both Daimbert and Arthur were alone in the cabin, Arthur could no longer keep his curiosity to himself.
Arthur: “Your employer is more mysterious than I thought. How come he’s related to Columbus?”
Daimbert: “Oh, he’s related to a thousand people across the galaxy. He’s a trans-galactic being. He can be a part of anybody’s life whenever and wherever he wants. That’s no big deal for him. Remember, he can travel through Time.”
Arthur: “Could he be part of my life? I mean he could be, like, anybody. Maybe my Uncle Fitzgerald! I always thought he was odd!”
Daimbert: “Quite possible.”
Columbus entered the cabin with a flourish.
Columbus: “Eh? So are you from Africa as well?”
Daimbert: “No. My friend’s from England. I’m from Theta Cassiopeiae.”
Columbus: “Castor oil? Is it in Africa?
Daimbert: “It’s a pla…, Oh forget it. It’s in Africa, yes!”
Columbus: “I am about to discover a new route to the Indies. Soon!!”
Daimbert: “I really beg your pardon, Admiral. But I think you will not.”
Columbus: “I will not what?”
Daimbert: “Find a new route to the Indies. In fact you will never see the Indies ever in your lifetime.”
Columbus (surprised and very angry): “How dare you?! You mean to say I was a fool in getting this expedition commissioned?”
Arthur (to Daim): “Don’t you upset him! He can get us killed! (then to Columbus) What my friend here means that you are destined to find newer lands. Lands more important than a new route to the Indies. Lands, which will bring you fame and fortune, you have never imagined.”
Columbus calmed down. He looked at Arthur questioningly.
Columbus: “And why, my friend, do you think that I am not on my way to the Indies?”
Arthur: “Well, I….. you see…..! Daim?!”
Daimbert: “I’ll tell you, Admiral. You see, the real circumference of Earth is 40,000 kms. And the distance between the Canary Islands, that is from where you started and the coast of the Indies, a place called Japan is 19,600 kms…..”
Columbus (interrupting Ford): “But that distance is only 3000 miles!”
Daimbert: “….which would be 3700 kms. But you calculated all the distances wrongly!”
Columbus: “Did I? But I used the calculations of Marinus!”
Daimbert: “Marinus, old boy, was way out of his calculations. Not a very intelligent bloke, Marinus.”
Columbus: “So what will happen to my expedition? If I don’t find this new route, my Highnesses will surely have me hanged!”
Columbus looked sullen. All his pompousness was gone. He removed his hat and sat sulkily.
Daimbert: “Now, ol’ boy. Don’t get so depressed. You may not find the route to the Indies, but you will surely find the West Indies!” He chuckled at his own joke.
Columbus: “West Indies? And what may that be?”
Daimbert: “Europeans hold the mistaken opinion that the aquatic expanse between Europe and Asia is uninterrupted. In fact, there is a yet unexplored continent on the west! So all you have to do is to “discover” it, claim the lands for your Highnesses, get rich and enjoy!”
Columbus: “WHAT? Are you sure? And how do you know?”
Daimbert: “Admiral, sir, as I said it is not of your concern. All you need to know that this information is going to help you a lot. I am sorry you will have to lose this ship. But that’s ok. Go back to Spain. Get famous. Come back a year later with a few more ships, find newer lands and get more famous and more rich.”
Columbus looked at Daim with awe and surprise on his face.
Columbus: “I ….. you….. but…… it…..!”
Daimbert: “That’s fine, old chap. (looking at the “Clock”) Arthur, we need to be going. It’s kinda late. (it was 1:45 a.m. 12th October) Be seeing you, Cap’n. Ta da and all the best. Come Vannes.”
Daim hurried out of the cabin with Arthur trailing behind.
Columbus: “Funny those two were. Now lets see what Barty’s sent me.”
He opened the small box Daim had given him. Inside it were small navigational instruments with instruction manuals. And a neatly folded satellite-imaged map of Earth! Columbus started studying the map with amazement and enthusiasm. The small wall clock in the cabin chimed twice and from the Crow’s Nest high up on the Santa Maria came Rodrigo’s high pitched voice.
“LAND AHOY!!”
