Susan: “Dorian, have you ever had this experience that you are no longer yourself but connected to a lot many other things around you?”
Dorian: “I think I know what you’re talking about. Go on.”
Susan: “It’s like you are not only you but a lot many other things. Not all at the same time, but some things at some times. Are you with me or am I way ahead?”
Dorian: “No, No! I am with you. I’m getting you. Please continue.”
Susan: “I know many people would and do find this odd. In fact, my brother has even labeled me a psychopath, but….!”
Dorian (reassuringly): “Susan, darling, I’ve seen and experienced worse things. Please tell me.”
Susan: “ Okay! (sighs) Its like this. One fine morning….., its always a fine morning!! (laughs, stops, giggles. Then seriously) One morning, I got up with a slight headache. You know this type of headache. It’s not sharp, just a sore niggle. Doesn’t let you feel good. Especially not so early in the morning. So I get up from the bed and look out of the window. There’s this beautiful tree just outside my window! There was a small bird sitting high up on one of its branches. It was chirping away merrily and welcoming the day. On any other occasion, I would have enjoyed the sight. But not with that headache!! So I shooed it away! And guess what, my headache suddenly disappeared!! Coincidence? I thought so as well. Ok, I went downstairs, washed and was about to begin breakfast when I started experiencing the most intense pain in the back, as if someone was kicking me. I was dumbfounded, didn’t know what to do. I reached for the First Aid box and fumbled for the Paracetamol. As I was doing so, I heard the yelping of a dog I knew loitered in the neighborhood. I looked outside the window to find that Robbie, that brat of a boy, was kicking the dog. I shouted at Robbie. He gave me a mean look and ran away. And suddenly my back pain was gone!! Coincidence, again??
Dorian: “Okay!! I get the gist of it. Any more such experiences?”
Susan: “From that day onwards, I’ve felt a lot of emotions when I am not in a state of experiencing them. Like the other day, I was so bloody upset ‘cos the drycleaner ruined my favorite dress; but in a moment or two I was experiencing profound happiness at something I don’t even know about!! Sometimes it is mental, sometimes it’s physical. What do you have to say about it, Dorian?”
#
Dorian looked up at Susan. Here was a girl who was so ravishingly beautiful and who was the object of his attention and affection, and was suffering from God only knew what!! Dorian had never been in love before. Infatuated, yes, but never in love. But the day he saw her in her brother’s car when he hitched a hike after returning from his sojourn across the galaxy, he knew she was special, that she was the one. He saw her again a few days later, when she was on her way to Taunton. They had a brief chat in the Bar at the Railway Station but were unable to gain a moment of peace due to the untimely intrusion of the old lady who was hell bent on selling them Raffle tickets (“Its’ for Gertie, you know. She’s retiring and we would like to gift her a kidney machine!”). She gave him her ‘phone number, which he lost and after weeks of frustration went to London where he luckily found her. They were now sitting in a lonely patch of grass in Hyde Park. She said that there was something wrong with her and asked him to guess what was it. He had mentioned almost all the parts of her body, at least all those that can be mentioned at the first serious meeting between a man and a woman he has fallen for!
Susan had experienced it. He must tell her. She would be shocked, of course, but she needs to be told.
#
Dorian: “You see, Susan, the world as we know it is nothing like we know how it is!”
Susan: “Well…..?”
Dorian: “I’m not sure how you’ll take this but things are a bit more complex than we think they are.”
Susan: “Can you be a more precise here, Dorian? I’m lost!”
Dorian: “Well, here goes, then! I’ve been doing some calculations and I’ve come to the conclusion that the Earth is actually a fish bowl!!”
Susan: “Dorian, I thought I was the one who was crazy here!!”
Dorian: “No, look. I’ll explain. I’ve taken into account lot of things; background cosmic radiation, microwave radiations emitted by Alpha Centauri, our nearest star; the average height of the Himalayas; pressure of the atmosphere; pitch of the sound emitted by blue whales and voila!!”
Susan: “Dorian, are you joking??”
Dorian: “Not at all, darling! You know what I think? I think that the Earth is a fishbowl kept in a room. Our revered Sun, the star Sol, is a lamp and the moon, our dear old Luna, is a silver plate kept on a table which reflects the light of Sol, the lamp!!”
Susan: “And the stars and the other planets?”
Dorian: “Oh! They are all this and that! But the point is that we are part of a fishbowl! Have you realized why God did not give us much land to live on? For His sake, it’s all water down here!! There are more creatures living in water than there are on the land! Oh! And another thing. The whole mystery is in the crosswords!!”
Susan: “Crosswords!! Dorian, are you feeling all right, dear? Do you want to go home? Maybe a drink will help you calm?!”
Dorian: “I’m absolutely fine. Now listen to me. All the Crosswords in all the Sundays of the world are the link to the existence of the One. God, Creator, you name Him!! You solve all the Crosswords using the cryptic clues and use the Fourier Transform and what do you have? The answer to the most famous question of all times! WHO IS GOD?? And, of course, where is he!”
Susan: “Ok. So if I hazard for one moment that what you say is true, then the people who set the Crosswords know about God?”
Dorian: “Absolutely not!! You see the people who set Crosswords for Sundays do not work for the paper!!”
Susan: “I’m lost! Again!!”
Dorian: “The guys who write Crosswords on weekdays do not write them on Sundays! Since the editor wants a challenging Crossword on Sunday; he’s paying money to the winners after all; he asks these guys to set a tough Crossword. And you know what, these guys get readymade Crosswords in their mails every Saturday at 10:35 a.m. They have absolutely no clue as to who sends them these Crosswords, but why should they care? The editors are happy and so are the readers. I phoned a few of my friends who work for major dailies and after a lot of cajoling and promises of a lot of rounds of drinks they confessed that they have been getting readymade Sunday Crosswords from their first days in office. And all of them reach their desks exactly on Saturday mornings at 10:35 sharp!! Isn’t that funny??”
Susan: “So the people who set the Sunday Crosswords know about God but not the poor people who set Crosswords for the dailies on weekdays!”
Dorian: “Yes and I think that not only do they know about God but they actually work for him!”
Susan: “Dorian, I’m feeling giddy.”
Dorian: “Let’s have a walk. The fresh air will soothe our nerves.”
#
They get up, holding hands and walk around the park. They see a man selling hot dogs. They buy two.
Susan: “I wonder how they designed such a wonderful fishbowl!”
Dorian: “It’s a replica!!”
Susan: “What! And where’s the original?”
Dorian: “Where it should be. In space.”
Susan: “You mean there’s a real Earth out there?”
Dorian: “Yes. But its waaaaaay out there!”
Susan: “What do you mean?”
Dorian: “I mean that I still haven’t figured out who owns the fishbowl or in whose house are we. But one thing’s for sure, we are not on the real Earth.”
Susan: “And how could you say so?”
Dorian: “Because I’ve seen the real Earth being demolished!! Or so I thought I saw!”
Susan: “WHAT??!”
Dorian: “Well I befriended a person called Deli Lansing. He was from a planet called Xiongye in some system far away from our part of the Galaxy. He told me that the Earth was going to be demolished by the Suprons to make way for a Hyperspace Expressway. And just before it was going to be demolished, we hitched a ride on the Supron spaceship, escaped and found our way through a lot of things, and time, on prehistoric Earth, the real one. When we were on the Supron spaceship, I saw the Earth blasted to smithereens by the Suprons. Well, later they realized that they shouldn’t have done that and that they got all the co-ordinates wrong and that they were supposed to demolish a planet called Samtron Alpha in the nearby Magellanic Cloud. But hell, do they care? No, they didn’t and they promptly led their ship to the Magellanic Cloud and blasted off Samtron Alpha much to the consternation of the local Gods who live on the star of the system. The Suprons told the local Gods to f**k off, or something to that effect in their language, and left.”
Susan: “This is all so crazy!!”
Dorian: “Yeah, I know. The local Gods lodged a protest with the All Galaxy Gods Union at their HQ within the star Crystonon, who furthered it at the All Star Convention later that week. A show-cause notice was dispatched to the Galaxy Municipal Council who denied any responsibility, quoting para 10 (alpha) ‘a’ subsection 5543 of the “Agreement” that all the Governments had reached stating that seven million eight hundred and thirty thousand, nine hundred and seventy six planets were to be demolished for this freeway and Samtron Alpha was one of them. And so the matter was quietly forgotten and the local Gods were left to fume.”
Susan: “But what about the Real Earth?”
Dorian: “Oh, it was demolished all right. But it had served out its purpose.”
Susan: “And that was……?”
Dorian: “It was a storehouse!”
Susan: “A storehouse?? For what?”
Dorian: “Used electrical appliances! Microwaves, washing machines, toasters, dishwashers, and the lot.”
Suasn: “And who used all these appliances?”
Dorian: “People of the planet Uranus!”
Susan: “There’s life on Uranus?!”
Dorian: “In the Solar System, there’s life only on Uranus!”
Susan: “But Uranus is a,…. is a,….!”
Dorian: “….is a hot gas giant with methane, etc., etc., isn’t it? Well, that’s what was told to us.”
Susan: “By whom?”
Dorian: “By the one owning the Fishbowl! Actually Uranus is the most gorgeously stunning planet you’ll ever see. We were taught to understand that there’s life only on Earth. But Earth is actually a storehouse, was rather. Yes, it was beautiful, the little blue planet and that is why its replica is!”
Susan: “So we evolved on the fishbowl??!”
Dorian: “There was no evolution on the fishbowl, darling. Where we evolved is still not known. But the human race is a very ancient one. But we are very gullible. We accept things too easily. How we came on Earth is still not known. Some say that our ancestors were beetles on a planet called, a little too aptly, Entomobeetos. How we evolved into our present form is not well understood, but I guess, our present form is a product of an experiment gone haywire. We were reduced by one millionth of a billionth of our original size and brought here to colonize the Fishbowl, which already had all the other members like all the different creatures that are around us. There is enough in this fishbowl to keep us happily busy “discovering” and “inventing” things for the next several million years, until the lamp goes out!”
Susan: “The lamp?? Oh, you mean the Sun! So what happens when it goes out?”
Dorian: “They’ll replace it, silly! You see, the people of Uranus are a very gentle race. But they have this strange affection for all things electrical. They use them by the hundreds in their homes. And whenever, a new model hits the markets, they put the old one into a space capsule, before rushing to the nearest electrical shop to own a new one. And when the capsule is full, they attach it to a rocket and send it hurtling towards Earth.”
Susan: “Which is now not there!”
Dorian: “Yes! It was overfull with appliances and so the Uranians thought of finding a new storehouse. They had just finalized Neptune when news of the Supron’s goof-up reached them. They were ecstatic to say the least though they took the news quite somberly.”
Susan: “So we have no Earth now?”
Dorian: “We never had any. This is all we have. A replica. A fishbowl.”
Susan: “Oh, Dorian, I feel so bad. It’s like realizing that you are just a puppet in the whole scheme of things. But how could you escape from this fishbowl?”
Dorian: “I told you about Deli, didn’t I? He’s a very resourceful person. He found a way to enter the fishbowl. He was doing his job. He works with the Intergalactic Publishing House, which wants to bring out a comprehensive guide to the Universe. So he was sent here, that is, on the planet where the fishbowl is. He found the fishbowl, entered it and was busy taking notes when he saw me in a pub. He kind of liked me and we started chatting. He told me what he had seen. Initially I thought that he has had a couple of drinks more than he could have handled, but he appeared quite sober. He got the news that the Real Earth was to be demolished. So he took this opportunity to take me with him and just before the Suprons were demolishing the planet, we materialized inside it and I saw all the fireworks from inside the ship.”
Susan: “So he told you where our fishbowl is?”
Dorian: “Yes, we are on the Moon, the real one!!”
#
Susan: “This is getting crazier. And where exactly on the moon?”
Dorian: “We are in a house built on the far side of the moon. The house was built by a rich Uranian called Rog Rampun, the Obnoxiously Rich. He built it as a summer residence for himself and his favorite mistress, Temptressa Gollingotts. They used to spend some lovely nights here; there are no days here. Rog died and his heirs squandered his wealth. Nobody bothered to acquire this place. Until one day…….!”
Susan: “It was acquired by the person who owns the fishbowl??!”
Dorian: “Exactly! But as to who the person is, nobody knows. He did not have a past and certainly no future. Imagine living your life in a penthouse on the far side of the moon which travels around a storehouse!! Some believe that he was a wealthy philanthropist originally from a planet called Broggadio around the star called Xarsia in the western arm of the Galaxy, others believe that he was a space pirate who spent all his good years looting commercial ships carrying goods from one planet to the other. He was caught a countless number of times by the Space Patrol but he had friends in high places and was soon released. He amassed unimaginable wealth, invested everything into the Milky Way Stock Market, bought this place and is spending the rest of his life in peace and happiness.”
Dorian: “Sorry, Dorian. But it’s your turn to get surprised. Actually, He is not a He but a She!”
Dorian: “WHAT!! How do you,…… How could you, …..How did you?!!”
Susan: “Dorian, you know a lot many things more than I thought you did. But I’ve been doing my own research. I haven’t traveled out of this fishbowl as you have but I started doubting the real nature of this world long back. In fact a couple of days more and I would have come to the same conclusion that the Earth we live on is actually a fishbowl.”
Dorian: “Susan…….?!”
Susan: “Yes, Dorian, I came across a strange and baffling signal coming from the western night sky. I have this ham radio and I love searching for signals. We have a group of operators across the world. Ok, so I got this strange signal and I tried to check on it. It was nothing ever seen or heard before. So I spread the word amongst my fellow ham radio operators. We tried to locate the source and we found that it came from way beyond the last reaches of the known galaxy. This was surprising because the signal was so strong. I decided to do my research on my own, lest I stumble upon something utterly horrifying. And after months of frustration I finally found out that the signal could have come only from a snapped cable wire. You know, the wire that brings cable connections to our TVs. Now this was even more surprising. I tried to decipher the signal using Earth decoders but it was all a jumble. Finally I had this decoder made by my friend who is a scientist with CalTech. And when I attached it to my television set, I saw the most amazing TV program ever!!”
Dorian: “You mean you saw what the person sitting in this house was seeing?”
Susan: “Yes. I saw a Cookery Show!! They made a remarkable dish with things like Squorns and Teddlies and something green called Lassasi.”
Dorian: “But what made you think that He is a She and not a He?”
Susan: “Because I’ve been watching HER TV shows for 6 months now and I know when a man is watching television and when a woman is!!”
Dorian: “You mean no sexy movies, no Girl’s Shows?”
Susan: “There are other ways, Dorian!”
Dorian: “OKAY! So who is this SHE, anyways?”
Susan: “Her name is Zany Outrageosy. She was the most eccentric prostitute in the whole of the Galaxy and very beautiful as well. She has had raging affairs with men of power and now in the twilight of her career, sees only her oldest clients who come all the way to the moon to spend a night or two of nostalgia. The rest of the time she watches TV, moves around in her Rover Buggy and shops on the EtherNet with her Galaxy Express credit card, a gift from one of her many fans. This penthouse was gifted to her by one of the many sons of Rog Rampun who himself was a regular of Zany.
Dorian: “Rog…?”
Susan: “No, no. The son.”
Dorian: “Oh! Ok.”
Susan: “What about the Crosswords? Where did you hear about it?”
Dorian: “Oh, we met a man named Zimpi. It’s a long story but he was given a shot of the Truth Serum and he came out with so much truth that he was quarantined in the Court Building and a huge stonewall was erected around the entire building. We rescued him, the poor guy. He found everything so bloody amusing that he could not stop laughing. He told me about the Crosswords just before he died.”
Susan: “It all seems so well planned. I guess what that genius scientist guy with the messy hairstyle said about God not playing dice must be true!”
Dorian: “Oh, yeah! God does not play dice, he loves Crosswords!! And he should have known. I’ve heard that he worked as a butler for God, before he broke some fine china and was sent to live with us.”
They both laugh heartily.
Susan: “Dorian, I’m starving. Let’s have dinner.”
Dorian: “Sure.”
#
They get up from the park bench they are sitting on and find the nearest good-looking restaurant. To Dorian’s utter dismay, it was named “Gertie’s!” They order dinner.
Susan: “It’s a nice fishbowl, this.”
Dorian: “Oh, beautiful. A perfect replica! It was made by a man called Krukofos, the Eccentric. Who commissioned it is still not clearly known. Krukofos was the most brilliant sculptor in the Galaxy and he has made remarkable replicas of some worlds. He loved Earth, the real one, when he saw it and immediately agreed to make a perfect replica of it, of course, for a hefty price! He then gave it to the man who had asked him to make it in the first place who then got our ancestors from Entomobeetos. He loved beetles actually and he wanted to keep them in this fishbowl. But our ancestor beetles accidentally became part of an experiment and mutated into humanoids. The experiment was conducted by the son of the man who was given the job of transporting the beetles from Entomobeetos to the man with the fishbowl. This overzealous son was running short of guinea pigs and so he surreptitiously took the beetles which were happily munching on some flies in the box and the rest was, well, disaster! When the box was opened, out came our ancestors climbing out of the box and looking absolutely dumbstruck. So they were quietly picked up and placed in the fishbowl in which they have become “civilized” and “intelligent.” The man was a tad disappointed in not getting the beetles but he spent his days happily seeing the humans, us, discover something new everyday.”
Susan: “So what happened to him?”
Dorian: “Nobody knows. Nobody knows how the fishbowl came into the possession of Rog Rampun and finally Zany.”
They finish dinner. They leave. They walk hand in hand towards Susan’s house.
Susan: “So have you solved the Crosswords yet?”
Dorian: “Oh, no. It’s not easy to procure all the Sunday papers of the world, is it? But I’m trying. I’m also working on my Fourier Transform, you see. I was pretty bad at mathematics.”
Susan: “Who do you think God is?”
Dorian: “One thing’s for sure. He’s definitely not the President of the All Gods Union. He is much higher than that. He has many deputies working for Him. Like the Man Who Runs The Universe!”
Susan: “What?”
Dorian: “Oh, yes. We met him, all right! He is an old shaggy man who lives in a shack with a gray cat on a lonely planet called Sligromominemisiton somewhere in the Castalista system and keeps doing absurd things. He is visited once a day by a spaceship carrying three men in dark black suits, ties and shades. They carry a small briefcase loaded with papers. They get it signed from the Man Who Runs The Universe, chat with him for some time, and inquire about his cat and leave. Those papers govern the way the Universe is run.”
Susan: “Strange people God has working for Him.”
Dorian: “Oh, that is nothing. You should see the Rain God!! The bloody bugger doesn’t even know that he is a God and keeps on complaining about the incessant rains wherever he goes!! Or the Wind God who is bald but still wants to wear a wig and can’t keep it on his head, because it keeps on flying away in the winds that constantly accompany him! God really has a sense of humor!”
They reach Susan’s house.
Dorian: “So, can I take you out tomorrow? We can chat some more.”
Susan: “Ok. (pause, an uneasy one) Wouldn’t you like to come inside? For a drink?”
Dorian: “Well, sure. If you say so.”
Susan: (laughing) “And the Galaxy?”
Dorian: “It can go for a spin!!”
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