LOVE, HEARTBREAK AND A WALNUT BROWNIE

“When there’s guilt in your heart, there’s no place for any other emotion!” said Risa. We were sitting at a quite corner table in Café Centràle and in front of me sat Risa. We had been friends from the time of our graduation years. Our ‘gang’ had dissolved after our post graduations since every one had moved on in life. Many of us had married, had kids, had jobs and stuff. Risa had become a senior manager in a firm. She had always been the demure girl in the gang with a quite and reserved demeanor amongst the other brash girls of the gang and with a pleasingly attractive persona. We had all foretold her future many times over. Risa’s gonna marry some rich, well-to-do-guy with a home closer to hers so that she can visit her family as and when she wants. She’s gonna raise a few children and be a good wife and mother. It was that simple. Risa was a simple girl with few expectations from life. But as the saying goes, Man Proposes……., her future was not as straightforward as we, or for that matter she, would have liked. She had her share of problems when she joined her firm. A senior took fancy for her. After a few torturous weeks of missed calls and text messages, Risa decided to complain to the management who promptly fired the poor guy. Another colleague fell for her and sent a proposal through a friend of Risa’s at the firm. “If he has the guts, let him ask me directly,” was Risa’s response. The young man has lost the impetus but not the hope. Risa no longer frequents the cafeteria lest she bumps into him. She has her coffee brought in her cabin. All was well for a few days. And then came Roy. Roy was a trainee at the firm; handsome, charming and three years Risa’s junior. Sparks flew and they fell in love.

“Those were the best six months of my life,” exclaimed Risa with a twinkle in her eyes. “He was in my department but we hardly talked at the workplace. It was all SMSes! We had this sixth-sense-thing between us. I’d be thinking about somethin’ and he’d come up with it. I’d think of messaging him and he would call me up. I’d want to call him up to meet and I’d get his message telling me the time and place. We’d talk on the phone for hours together. I still remember once he called me up at three in the morning and we talked till seven! Oh, Vic those days made me feel so,….., so adolescent!”

“So, where’s he now?” I asked.

“Roy got a job in the US about five months ago. He’s been there ever since,” said Risa.

“So where’s the bloody problem?” I asked.

“We were in contact with each other for a couple of months and the conversations grew more complex from ‘you’ and ‘me’ to ‘we.’ It seemed that Roy was not ready for a ‘we’ as yet. He said his job was temporary and he had no immediate future and how would he care for me without a permanent job,” said Risa.

“But if he proposed to you, are you willing to wait?”

“Oh, absolutely Vic! I don’t care how much time I’ll have to wait but I will. For him."

“But then why doesn’t he commit? Doesn’t he love you?”

“I wish he didn’t. It wouldn’t hurt as much.”

“But Risa….., I still don’t see the problem.”

“Vic, I’m thirty. Roy’s just started his career. He thinks he’s gonna take more time to get settled in his job. But he doesn’t want me to wait for that long. And so we’ve decided to part away.” Risa was sad. I could feel it rather then see it. She was one girl who wouldn’t express her emotions. She was always the everything’s-all-right-with-me type. But nine years of a close friendship helped me sense her dejection.

“I had never ever imagined I’d fall for some guy, Vic. I had always hoped for an arranged marriage. All I wanted was a well-educated boy with a decent family, a good job and a nice little home. You know, the things most girls normally desire. But fate had other things in store for me. I’ve experienced a lot in these last seven years, Vic. I’ve gone through difficult times and I didn’t have anybody to share my troubles. I missed you all so much.

“But we did not lose contact. We used to chat when we were online. He used to call me. I used to tell him that Ma and Pa had a few proposals for me and he would bloody encourage me to take them seriously. It drove me mad. Whenever we used to chat, he used to ask me if I had some new proposals and what happened to the old ones. The oaf!

“It hurt me no ends to see that he would be so nonchalant in this matter when I would be so distressed. So I started ignoring his calls, his chat requests and his messages. Because after every talk and chat it all used to come back and I would feel a sharp twang in my chest ‘cos we cannot be together.

“He came home a couple of months back and we met at a mutual friend’s place. He said that I wasn’t looking good, I had lost weight and it seemed that I was carrying an immense burden. And he felt guilty about it. I said you needn’t feel the guilt ‘cos it was a combined decision and not yours’ alone. I don’t want him to feel guilty, Vic. It’s a bad thing. And when there’s guilt in your heart, there’s no place for any other emotion!

“A funny relationship you were in, Risa. I mean if the guy really loves you…..?!”

“I had mixed feelings. It was all jumbled upstairs. I thought I was in love, but was I? Was it really love or only an infatuation?”

“A bit late to have an infatuation, wouldn’t you agree, Risa?”

Risa gave a clear, natural, unadulterated laugh.

“Yeah, I guess so. But tell me Vic, how was it between you and Amy? Or how would it have been between Joe and Niki? Even Andy has finally found his soul mate, it seems. What’s her name?”

“Sue.”

“How’s she?”

“She’s good. Good for Andy. She’s our types. Would fit completely in the ‘gang.’”

“Great. Looking forward to meeting her.” A difficult pause. Risa was playing with her spoon.

“Our relationship didn’t quite take off. We had too little time. It probably lacked the,……., the intensity!”

“Yeah! That would be it!”

“I’m much better than the last time we met. I’ve even gained a few pounds, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, but be careful!”

“Oh, don’t you worry! Would you like to have another coffee? I’m having one more.”

“No, thanks.” 

To be continued…….

Risa ordered another cappuccino. We waited till it was served. She took a sachet of sugar, cut it and poured its contents into her cup thereby spoiling the beautiful spade (or was it a heart?) design that the bartender had made with the foam of the cappuccino.

“Roy wants to maintain the ‘friendship.’ He wants to be in touch, he wants to communicate. But every time we talk I seem to get carried away and then the after effects are pretty bad. It takes me a lot of time to gain normalcy. There was no friendship between us, Vic. We never were friends. We were just two ordinary people madly attracted to each other. And now if we have decided to part off, I don’t want any communication. I just want to shut him off. But he doesn’t understand. And I can’t tell him straight. I’ve tried many times but I just couldn’t tell him.”

“I think he cannot come to terms with the fact that it was his call to part off. He loves you and wants to be with you in whatever way he can; phone calls, messages, anything.”

“But it’s painful for me, Vic.”

“I know, Risa. But you see, boys and girls look at this from different perspectives. Boys are emotionally weak, you see. We’d love to cling onto something which would keep us sane. You are Roy’s link to sanity. He’s in a foreign place with nobody he knows around. Plus he loves you. And so he’d desperately cling on to your emotional support until….!”

“Until what?”

“Until he finds emotional stability from some place else.”

“You mean when he finds someone else?”

“Not exactly. Even if he gets a good job and realizes that he has a secure career ahead of him, some good people whom he can befriend, good colleagues at the workplace. All of these things will help him stabilize.”

“I bloody see!”

“Yeah. Now you do. Girls normally have a different way. If they want to forget somebody, they’ll try to break any and every form of contact with the person and completely shut the person off from their minds. That’s exactly what you are doing.”

“So what do I do, Vic. I know that by doing so, I’m hurting him.”

“It’s your call, Risa. If you’ve really decided to move on in life, you’ve got to forget Roy.”

“Yeah, you’re right, Vic. He’s coming for a friends’ wedding. I am invited as well. I’m gonna tell him straight. What do you think?”

“Just be gentle with him. Try to put yourself into his shoes. Part away like two good, mature people. Make him understand the point.”

“Yeah. I think I’ll do just that. Thanks a bunch, Vic. You’ve been a darling!”

“Anytime Risa. As the cliché goes, what are friends for?”

Risa laughed. I could sense that the weight she was carrying had lifted somewhat. She felt lighter.

“I think you should leave this town, Risa. Come to C---. That way you’d be closer to all of us. Joe and Niki are there, Andy’s there and we are not far off.”

“Yeah, you’re right. And anyways, I’m having problems with the boss. I’ve applied at a couple of places in C---. I think I’ll get a job.”

“Great! You do that, Risa. We’ll have fun. Most of the ‘gang’ can still meet up.”

“Yeah. I was even thinking of buying a home in C---.”

“And you can also meet some interesting people in C---! C---‘s a big place you see. And you are attractive to say the least.”

Risa blushed then laughed.

“Seriously, Risa. And as I believe, it’s never too late to fall in love!”

“That, Vic, remains to be seen. But thanks for being a patient listener. I needed this.”

“Don’t mention it, dear. I won’t say that you’ve got to come out of immediately and start afresh. Take your time. Shed all your excess baggage here. And come to C---.”

“I’ll do just that. Thanks again Vic. Shall we leave.”

“Absolutely.”

“Hey, you didn’t finish your walnut brownie!”

“I didn’t quite like it. It has left a bitter taste in my mouth. Let’s go.”

End.

p.s. - Roy got married to a foreigner. He tried contacting Risa, but she gave him a piece of her mind! Risa got married a month ago to a fine man. She is very happy. Fingers crossed!